


Batfamily Text Messages

by WorldDominator123



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Young Justice (Cartoon), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily-centric (DCU), F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:47:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23613985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WorldDominator123/pseuds/WorldDominator123
Summary: Jason Fucking Todd: Fuck you Tim.TimTamTimmy Man: Fuck you too.Damian: Then go get a room and fuck each other. We have bigger issues here.Jason Fucking Todd: Why you little-Dickiebird: To answer your question, I made this group so that we can communicate with each other when we aren’t crime fighting :)---AKA our favorite chaotic family put together in one group chat
Relationships: Artemis Crock/Wally West, Barbara Gordon/Dick Grayson, Damian Wayne/Iris West II, Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Roy Harper & Wally West, Jason Todd/Donna Troy, Kon-El | Conner Kent/M'gann M'orzz, Roy Harper & Jason Todd, Roy Harper/Jade Nguyen, Stephanie Brown & Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake & Barbara Gordon & Dick Grayson & Jason T. & Damian W., Stephanie Brown/Tim Drake, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Alfred Pennyworth & Duke Thomas & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Alfred Pennyworth & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne
Comments: 24
Kudos: 142





	1. The Bad Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya guys! So this is my first fanfiction that I'm writing, so comments would be appreciated. Stay safe and enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from DC Comics, though no matter how much I wish I did. I do own the plot though.

_December 13, 8:27pm_

_Dickiebird added Jason Fucking Todd, BG, Cass, SpoilerAlert, TimTamTimmy Man, Bruce Wayne, Damian Wayne, and Alfred to the group._

_Damian Wayne changed his name to Damian._

Dickiebird: Hey guys.

Damian: What is it, Grayson?

Jason Fucking Todd: What the fuck is this supposed to be?

TimTamTimmy Man: You’re part of a family that relies heavily on tech at times. How do you not know what a groupchat is?

Damian: -tt-

TimTamTimmy Man: He does that online as well.

Jason Fucking Todd: I know what a fucking group chat is. Why was it created dumbass?

Dickiebird: Do you really have to use fuck in every single sentence?

Jason Fucking Todd: You just fucking did.

Damian: -tt- Imbeciles.

TimTamTimmy Man: Guys. It’s way too early for this.

Jason Fucking Todd: Everything is too fucking early for you.

Dickiebird: Language.

Jason Fucking Todd: You’re not Captain fucking America.

Jason Fucking Todd: And what is -tt- supposed to mean?

Damian: We have more important things to do rather than answering your idiotic questions.

Jason Fucking Todd: I hate you, and I hate this fucking “group chat”.

Dickiebird: It would be nice if you could keep an open mind.

Damian: You hate everyone.

Jason Fucking Todd: ONLY you. Do you fucking hear me? ONLY you, you little shit.

TimTamTimmy Man: Using the big words now, eh Jason?

Jason Fucking Todd: Fuck off.

Jason Fucking Todd: This is why Dickhead’s my most favorite brother.

TimTamTimmy Man: Uh huh.

Jason Fucking Todd: Fuck you Tim.

TimTamTimmy Man: Fuck you too.

Damian: Then go get a room and fuck each other. We have bigger issues here.

Jason Fucking Todd: Why you little-

Dickiebird: To answer your question, I made this group so that we can communicate with each other when we aren’t crime fighting :)

Jason Fucking Todd: Just so you know, you’re not my favorite brother anymore :)

Dickiebird: You’re real nice.

Damian: -tt- Pathetic. I’m better off alone.

_Damian left the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: It’s a fucking miracle. He’s actually left. We’re all finally free.

_Alfred added Damian to the group._

TimTamTimmy Man: You spoke too soon Big Bro.

Alfred: None of that now Master Damian. And I would certainly appreciate it if you did something about your foul language Master Jason.

Jason Fucking Todd: Sorry?

Alfred: Good. Now go wash your mouth with soap.

Jason Fucking Todd: Fine…


	2. Cabinets and Bazookas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone. This chapter is gonna be slightly longer than the last one. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from DC Comics, though no matter how much I wish I did. I do own the plot though.

_ December 13, 10:17am _

TimTamTimmy Man: Once again, I asked dear god. Why me?

Dickiebird: What did you do this time?

Damian: The idiot was trying to get his favorite coffee mug and brought down the entire cupboard with him.

Jason Fucking Todd: It was fucking brilliant.

Damian: It was disastrous you moron.

Jason Fucking Todd: Which made it even better.

TimTamTimmy Man: I feel so attacked over here.

Damian: You deserve this Drake. Your brainless tendencies have once again brought shame upon the Wayne family.

Jason Fucking Todd: We should write a book or something. Tim Drake: ‘A Walking Disaster’.

Dickiebird: Change the ‘A’ to ‘The’.

TimTamTimmy Man: I’m right here.

Jason Fucking Todd: Good for you.

TimTamTimmy Man: You know, even geniuses like me make occasional blunders.

Jason Fucking Todd: You? A genius? Doubtful.

Damian: It’s not like you’re a genius. I’m surprised you even managed school.

TimTamTimmy Man: Why is Demon Spawn defending me?

Damian: Shut up Drake. You’re even stupider than Todd.

TimTamTimmy Man: Forget I said anything.

Jason Fucking Todd: So what am I now?

Damian: An inconvenience to this family.

Jason Fucking Todd: This is why I hate Damian.

Dickiebird: Damian’s not that bad once you get to know him. You know what they say, hard on the outside, soft on the inside.

Damian: I am not soft.

Jason Fucking Todd: Easy for you to say, Dickhead.

Damian: Grayson is a respectable colleague and ally. He may be stupid at times, but he at least has more intelligence than the two of you combined.

Dickiebird: Dami!

Damian: What? Is it not true?

Dickiebird: I would normally say yes, but as you can see, they are right over here.

TimTamTimmy Man: I feel so loved here.

Damian: Who cares? Nevertheless, it is a true statement.

Jason Fucking Todd: Asshole.

Dickiebird: Jay!

Jason Fucking Todd: What? This language too “horrible” for your simplistic mind?

Damian: Don’t insult Grayson.

Jason Fucking Todd: Dick’s right. Demon Spawn is becoming softer.

Damian: I am an Al Ghul. You have absolutely no right to insult me.

Jason Fucking Todd: You sound exactly like that ass of your grandfather.

TimTamTimmy Man: I don’t think you worded it correctly. It doesn’t sound as insulting now.

Damian: DO NOT INSULT MY GRANDFATHER.

Jason Fucking Todd: Sorry. I meant ROYAL ASS.

Damian: Todd. Mark my words. You will die tonight.

Dickiebird: Ok. Maybe we should calm it down a bit.

Jason Fucking Todd: Like you could take me on. I could flatten you in a second.

Damian: I am an Al Ghul-

Jason Fucking Todd: It’s sad that you’re comparing yourself to those assholes.

Damian: I SWEAR I SHALL DRINK YOUR BLOOD IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO, TODD.

Jason Fucking Todd: You don’t scare me. I only fear Alfred.

Dickiebird: Okay. Maybe if we could all just calm down a little bit, and figure it out… 

TimTamTimmy Man: I don’t think they will Dick.

Jason Fucking Todd: FIGHT ME HOE.

Damian: OH YOU JUST WAIT.

TimTamTimmy Man: Um Dick. Was that an explosion?

Jason Fucking Todd: Ha! Run like the rats, ya fucking scum bag.

Dickiebird: JASON PETER TODD. WHY IS THERE A GIANT HOLE IN THE HALLWAY?

Jason Fucking Todd: Little Demon payed a visit with his little katana.

Jason Fucking Todd: He tried to kill me.

Dickiebird: THAT STILL DOESN’T EXPLAIN THE HOLE IN THE WALL.

Jason Fucking Todd: You remember that bazooka I keep under my bed?

Dickiebird: WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT!?

Jason Fucking Todd: CAUSE I CAN.

Dickiebird: AND YOU COULDN'T USE ANY OTHER WEAPON BECAUSE?

Jason Fucking Todd: IT WAS THE CLOSEST WEAPON I COULD FIND.

Jason Fucking Todd: AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT THE FUCKING WALL WHEN THAT LITTLE SHIT COULD'VE SLIT MY THROAT???

Dickiebird: YOU WERE TRAINED BY  _ THE  _ BATMAN. I'M SURE THAT THERE'S CERTAINLY ANOTHER WAY YOU COULD HAVE APPROACHED THE PROBLEM.

Jason Fucking Todd: WELL, SCREW BATMAN.

TimTamTimmy Man : A Bazooka in the house? Really? This family just keeps getting better and better.

TimTamTimmy Man : You know that Alfred's gonna kill you right? If Bruce doesn't first. Actually, I don't think you're gonna make it through Dick's lectures.

Dickiebird: Not helping, Tim.

Jason Fucking Todd: I'm sorry Dickhead.

TimTamTimmy Man : Is just me, or is Jason actually apologizing? And when have you gotten so chumy-chung with Dick?

Jason Fucking Todd: What the fuck is chumy-chung supposed to mean?

TimTamTimmy Man : That my friend, is for me to know and you to figure out.

Dickiebird: You're enjoying this too much.

TimTamTimmy Man : You're right. I am.

Jason Fucking Todd: We really don't need your sass right now. We NEED to fix this before Bruce gets back, or worse, Alfred.

TimTamTimmy Man : Fineeee...

Jason Fucking Todd: Honestly, the last thing we need is an angry Alfred.

Damian: I say that we blame it all on Drake.

TimTamTimmy Man : Don't blame me for what the two of you did. I did nothing wrong.

Damian: Which is why we should blame it on you.

TimTamTimmy Man : FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Dickiebird: Damian! Could you at least  _ try  _ not to antagonize the whole entire family? Please?

Damian: Fine.

_ Damian left the group. _

TimTamTimmy Man : Good riddance.

Dickiebird: Please. Just try to not fight. Look where it landed us into.

TimTamTimmy Man : It would be nice if Damian didn't act like an asshole for once.

Jason Fucking Todd: Okay. We just need to calm down over here. We don't need another accident. I'll just pay and get this thing over with.

TimTamTimmy Man : "Calm down," he says. Weren't you the one who started this? And weren't the two of you screaming each other's heads off a moment ago?

Dickiebird: We don't need another hole in the wall.

Jason Fucking Todd: I'm not trigger-happy!

TimTamTimmy Man : Keep telling yourself that.

Dickiebird: How long will it take?

Jason Fucking Todd: Crap. At least a week. It should be done by Christmas.

Dickiebird: Holy shit.

Jason Fucking Todd: We're screwed.

Dickiebird: As long as Bruce doesn't find out for the rest of the week, we should be fine.

Timmy: Shit! Bruce is still in the groupchat!

Bruce Wayne: And has been reading the entire conversation.

Dickiebird: Hehe. Hiya Bruce.

TimTamTimmy Man : You guys are dead this time for sure.

Bruce Wayne: Did you actually blow a hole in the wall, Jason?

Jason Fucking Todd: Damian nearly killed me?

Bruce Wayne: *sighs* I'm getting too old for this. No patrol for two weeks.

Jason Fucking Todd: That's it?

Bruce Wayne: Adding more to the punishment could possibly make my life even more miserable.

Jason Fucking Todd: Huh?

Dickiebird: I think he means that he couldn't deal with you and Damian cooped up inside the house for longer than two weeks.

Jason Fucking Todd: Ohhhhh.

Jason Fucking Todd: Are we really that bad?

Bruce Wayne: Yes.

Bruce Wayne: You will also be paying for this, isn't that right Jason?

Jason Fucking Todd: Ya. I guess it's the least I could do.

TimTamTimmy Man : I think I've entered the Twilight zone.

Jason Fucking Todd: Shut up, Replacement.

Bruce Wayne: You guys will be the end of me.

TimTamTimmy Man : Well, at least you wouldn’t die at the hands of a villian.

Dickiebird: Just fucking stop right now Tim.

TimTamTimmy Man: Oh dear me.

Jason Fucking Todd: On the bright side, you won't have to host that Christmas Gala this year.

Dickiebird: See Bruce. There's always a bright side.

Bruce Wayne: Not. Helping.

Dickiebird: Well, at least Alfred doesn't know .

Alfred: Oh, I know. I'm almost home from getting groceries.

Jason Fucking Todd: You just had to say that, didn't you?

Alfred: What have I told you about using explosives in the house, Master Jason?

Jason Fucking Todd: Sorry... again.

Alfred: The only reason you are not getting a harsh punishment right now is because Master Damian nearly maimed you. This discussion shall be continued when I get back to the manor.

Jason Fucking Todd: Yes Alfred... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo. What do you guys think? Comments would really be appreciated. As a first-time fanfiction writer, I'm probably really crappy when it comes to writing. Thanks so much for sticking this far!


	3. Post-Crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya everybody! Thank you all so much for the support! I really, really appreciate it. Hope you all are doing fine! Here's the next chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from DC Comics, no matter how much I wish I did.

_December 13, 4:51pm_

SpoilerAlert: Have you guys at least started fixing the wall yet?

Dickiebird: Yeah. We’ve found a couple of people that can help. Surprisingly, they didn’t ask any questions.

Jason Fucking Todd: I still think we should have let Clark use his heat vision.

TimTamTimmy Man: We still have other galas that we have to host here. I don’t think a sloppy mess of a wall will do.

Jason Fucking Todd: Good point.

TimTamTimmy Man: At least the worst is over.

Jason Fucking Todd: True.

Dickiebird: I had never seen Alfred more angrier.

Dickiebird: And I’ve done some pretty bad things.

SpoilerAlert: Aren’t we forgetting someone over here?

_SpoilerAlert added Damian to the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: I still can’t believe I’m alive.

Damian: Of course you can’t.

Dickiebird: Damian, please. I am literally begging you.

Jason Fucking Todd: Permission to kill Demon Spawn.

Dickiebird: Permission denied.

Jason Fucking Todd: Killjoy.

TimTamTimmy Man: You use that word a lot.

Jason Fucking Todd: StfuyabIsygdmfath.

TimTamTimmy Man: And what is that supposed to mean?

Dickiebird: Shut the fuck up you asshat before I send your god damn mother fucking ass to hell.

TimTamTimmy Man: RUde.

TimTamTimmy Man: How do you even know this in the first place?

Dickiebird: I have my ways.

TimTamTimmy Man: Shouldn’t we be worried about the fact that Dick knows this?

Jason Fucking Todd: Who cares about that? Let’s focus on the main thing here. Me.

Damian: Yes. Let’s focus on the numerous times Todd has acted like a brainless buffoon and proved to be an embarrassment to the family.

Jason Fucking Todd: I swear to god Damian…

Dickiebird: Jason. Calm down.

Jason Fucking Todd:

****

Dickiebird: …

TimTamTimmy Man: Oof.

_Dickiebird left the group._

Damian: To hell with you Todd.

Damian: Now we have to retrieve Grayson.

_Damian added Dickiebird to the group._

Dickiebird: Sup fuckers.

Damian: Look at what you’ve made Todd.

TimTamTimmy Man: Oh dear.

Dickiebird: Fuck off Tim.

TimTamTimmy Man: “Fuck off Tim,” he supplied. Little did he know the power behind those words.

_Dickiebird left the group._

Damian: Stop making Grayson leave.

TimTamTimmy Man: I only typed 14 words.

Jason Fucking Todd: Nerd.

Damian: Those were the ones that made him leave dumbass.

SpoilerAlert: Stop fighting and just retrieve him all ready.

Damian: Grayson is not a pet nor will he be treated as one. You will all suffer if you continue to give him this treatment.

_Damian added Dickiebird to the group._

Dickiebird: Leave me alone.

Jason Fucking Todd: We’re all sorry, right guys?

TimTamTimmy Man: Sure.

_Dickiebird left the group._

Damian: What the hell Drake!?

TimTamTimmy Man: I swear I didn’t mean it like that!

_TimTamTimmy Man added Dickiebird to the group._

TimTamTimmy Man: I swear Dick. I didn’t mean it like that!

TimTamTimmy Man: I’m sorry!

Dickiebird: Sure.

Damian: This mess is your fault Todd.

Jason Fucking Todd: Dick?

Dickiebird: Yes?

Jason Fucking Todd: Imma gonna kill Damian.

Dickiebird: No!

Jason Fucking Todd: What if I were to kill him just a little bit…

Dickiebird: No killing.

Jason Fucking Todd: What about maiming…

TimTamTimmy Man: I really didn’t think you were this suicidal.

Jason Fucking Todd: Shut up, Tim.

TimTamTimmy Man: Just leave me out of this. This is between you and Damian.

Dickiebird: It would be really nice if you could help.

TimTamTimmy Man: Sorry Dick, but no can do. Too much at risk here.

Dickiebird: Why am I the only one trying to defuse the fight over here?

Jason Fucking Todd: Cause you’re incredibly stupid.

Damian: Don’t you dare call Grayson stupid.

Jason Fucking Todd: Too bad. Just did.

Damian: I swear Todd…

Jason Fucking Todd: What? Too scared to face me like a man?

SpoilerAlert: Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight...

Dickiebird: You’re supposed to be helping me out here.

SpoilerAlert: Or maybe I’m not. My place in this universe lies somewhere else.

Dickiebird: …

Dickiebird: Cass? Please?

Cass: It’s not my fight.

Dickiebird: Forget I even asked.

BG: You forgetting someone here?

Dickiebird: Oh hiya Babs. I thought you were busy helping with a mission at the Watchtower.

BG: Oh. We’re almost done. Heading back about now. 

Damian: Watch your step Todd. As you sleep, I will be there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for the right opportunity to slowly slit your throat and make you suffer a long painful death.

Jason Fucking Todd: Good thing I sleep with an eye open.

TimTamTimmy Man: I’m not sure if that will do any good.

Jason Fucking Todd: Have some faith in me young Timothy.

TimTamTimmy Man: Honestly, at this point, I don’t care.

Jason Fucking Todd: Where did all of that support go?

TimTamTimmy Man: You must be dreaming if you thought _I_ was supporting _you_.

Jason Fucking Todd: Tf. why?

TimTamTimmy Man: Should I have a reason to?

Jason Fucking Todd: Yes???

Jason Fucking Todd: Because you’re my brother???

TimTamTimmy Man: Sure. If that’s what you want to believe.

Jason Fucking Todd: What’s that supposed to mean?

TimTamTimmy Man: What do you think it means?

Dickiebird: Do you need me to get out the get along shirt?

***All at the exact same time***

TimTamTimmy Man: No!

Damian: Don’t you dare Grayson.

Jason Fucking Todd: Hell no.

Dickiebird: Good. Then all of you had better shut the hell up.


	4. Adventures at Walmart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's going to be a smaller chapter. I promise that the next one will be a lot longer though. I think I've already stated everything that I wanted to say in the previous chapter so ya. Anyways, I'll stop talking right now.

_ December 14, 10:57am _

SpoilerAlert: We’re going to Walmart.

Bruce Wayne: To do what, may I ask?

SpoilerAlert: You know, normal stuff… 

Dickiebird: Who’s with you?

SpoilerAlert: Wally.

Dickiebird: I’m on my way.

Jason Fucking Todd: Can I come too?

SpoilerAlert: Sure Jay. Kidnap Roy on your way here.

TimTamTimmy Man: This is not gonna end well…

Bruce Wayne: Ya think?

_ December 14, 12:19pm _

_ Dickiebird added Wally and BitchAssHarper to the group. _

Dickiebird: Bruce…

Bruce Wayne: Uh oh.

BitchAssHarper: Hiya Bruce.

Bruce Wayne: Is it too late to say goodbye?

Jason Fucking Todd: We kinda need to ask you a favor.

Bruce Wayne: No.

Wally: We’re sorry?

Bruce Wayne: What did you guys do?

Dickiebird: Uhhhh… 

Jason Fucking Todd: We’re stuck in a jail cell :)

TimTamTimmy Man: You sound surprisingly gleeful for a person stuck in jail.

Jason Fucking Todd: We’ve done worse.

TimTamTimmy Man: That isn’t very reassuring.

Bruce Wayne: How did you even sneak your phones into the cell?

Jason Fucking Todd: We basically had to-

Bruce Wayne: You know what, don’t finish that thought. I don’t think I want to know.

Jason Fucking Todd: But-

Bruce Wayne: Did you get banned from yet another Walmart?

Dickiebird: Hehe.

Bruce Wayne: Roy. You’re supposed to be the responsible one.

BitchAssHarper: It’s not my fault they keep kidnapping me.

Bruce Wayne: ***sighs*** I’m on my way.


	5. Q and A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to say thank you all so much for the support! This is my first time posting anything, so it really helps a lot. This chapter is pretty long, so it should make up for the two short chapters that I posted yesterday. Stay safe and enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from DC Comics.

_December 15, 10:36am_

Jason Fucking Todd: If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?

TimTamTimmy Man: Lonely much?

Dickiebird: For someone who hates this family a lot, you sure do spark most of the conversations.

Jason Fucking Todd: What can I say? I’m just too damn likeable.

TimTamTimmy Man: “Likeable”

Jason Fucking Todd: Shut up Replacement.

SpoilerAlert: What’s with the questions?

Jason Fucking Todd: Good question Stephanie.

TimTamTimmy Man: You just had to ask didn’t you?

SpoilerAlert: What?

TimTamTimmy Man: You just couldn’t realize the fact that whatever Jason has to say is probably bullshit.

SpoilerAlert: Whoops.

Jason Fucking Todd: Shut up Tim.

Jason Fucking Todd: My explaination in a few words.

Jason Fucking Todd: My amazing persona couldn’t escape the depths of boredom.

TimTamTimmy Man: And you call me the nerd?

Jason Fucking Todd: Stfu Tim.

TimTamTimmy Man: Go bother some other people. Can’t you see we’re busy here.

SpoilerAlert: Actually… I wanna see what he has to say.

Dickiebird: Same.

TimTamTimmy Man: Traitors.

Dickiebird: Do you have anymore?

Jason Fucking Todd: Ya. One sec.

Jason Fucking Todd: You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? What if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?

TimTamTimmy Man: They still won’t serve us.

SpoilerAlert: But they never specified pants.

TimTamTimmy Man: They still won’t serve us.

SpoilerAlert: You’re a bore.

TimTamTimmy Man: You know you still love me.

Jason Fucking Todd: Ugh. Flirt with Steph somewhere else.

Dickiebird: Do you remember that time we worked as strippers for a month?

TimTamTimmy Man: Annnnnd what exactly does that have to do with this entire conversation?

SpoilerAlert: Wtf

Jason Fucking Todd: Wingnut and I were double dared.

TimTamTimmy Man: Ah. That game.

SpoilerAlert: That's how you and Dick got soooo… chumy?

TimTamTimmy Man: Chumy-chung.

SpoilerAlert: Whatever.

Jason Fucking Todd: Yep.

Dickiebird: :)

Jason Fucking Todd: There are times when you disgust me, Dick. This is one of them.

Dickiebird: :(

Jason Fucking Todd: :)

Dickiebird: >:(

Cass: Just move on already, people. We don’t have all day.

Jason Fucking Todd: We shall move on, your highness.

TimTamTimmy Man: Really?

Jason Fucking Todd: What? Cass is my favorite.

Cass: I’m touched and all, but could you just finish up those idiotic questions of yours?

Jason Fucking Todd: I take that back.

Jason Fucking Todd: I respected you. And this is what I get in return.

Cass: Relax bro.

Jason Fuckin Todd: Right… 

TimTamTimmy Man: What was the next question going to be?

Jason Fucking Todd: One sec.

Jason Fucking Todd: Why do we sing “Rock a bye baby” to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

Dickiebird: That song scared me as a kid.

SpoilerAlert: As if Ring Around the Rosies isn’t enough.

Dickiebird: Wasn’t that sung by those doctor bird thingys during the Black Death?

Cass: Doctor bird thingys? Very adequate name, Grayson.

Dickiebird: STaph.

Cass: The doctors wore masks. They just happened to kind of look like birds.

TimTamTimmy Man: I wouldn’t be surprised if Joker made all of these “lullabies” up.

Jason Fucking Todd: Let’s just move on.

SpoilerAlert: The brave Jason "Fucking" Todd scared of a small nursery rhyme?

Jason Fucking Todd: Who said I was scared?

SpoilerAlert: Why else would you want to move on from this question?

Jason Fucking Todd: Because this one is getting boring??? The next one is a little better???

TimTamTimmy Man: He’s clearly lying.

Jason Fucking Todd: Is this whole family against me or what?

SpoilerAlert: Learn to take a joke, Todd.

Jason Fucking Todd: That sounded a little too much like Damian.

SpoilerAlert: I meant for it to sound like him.

Jason Fucking Todd: Cheating on Tim now, are you?

*****A minute of complete silence*****

SpoilerAlert: First off, that made no sense whatsoever.

SpoilerAlert: Second, words can’t show my desire to kill you right now.

SpoilerAlert: I would never cheat on Tim.

TimTamTimmy Man: Thanks girlfriend. And now that we’ve cleared this up, let’s move on to a different topic.

Jason Fucking Todd: Do you guys really hate me that much?

TimTamTimmy Man: At the moment, yes.

Dickiebird: I don’t hate you.

Jason Fucking Todd: Ugh. I’m stuck with Goldie again.

Dickiebird: This would be a lot easier if you didn’t antagonize everybody.

TimTamTimmy Man: Oooh. Looks like another Damian’s in the house.

Damian: ?

TimTamTimmy Man: It’s a metaphor.

Dickiebird: That makes no sense whatsoever.

Jason Fucking Todd: ^

SpoilerAlert: ^

Cass: ^

TimTamTimmy Man: Makes sense to me.

Dickiebird: Touché. 

Jason Fucking Todd: So everybody hates me right now?

SpoilerAlert: Yep.

Dickiebird: ^

Jason Fucking Todd: Stop being such an evil jerk-face all the time.

Dickiebird: Evil-jerkface? That the best you can come up with?

TimTamTimmy Man: Dick? Evil?

Jason Fucking Todd: You haven’t lived long enough with Dick to truely know him. He may be all sunshine and rainbows on the outside, but on the inside… 

Jason Fucking Todd: I can’t even finish that sentence.

SpoilerAlert: Ok?

Jason Fucking Todd: I guess you guys will learn the hard way then.

Dickiebird: I’m right over here.

Jason Fucking Todd: I know. Just don’t care.

Cass: Can we just move on already?

Jason Fucking Todd: If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in the water… how did she ever bathe?

Cass: Who wants to break it to Jason?

Dickiebird: She doesn’t melt in water. It’s all a lie.

Jason Fucking Todd: Huh?

TimTamTimmy Man: You’ve never seen Wicked before!?

TimTamTimmy Man: And you're supposed to be the musical nerd??

Jason Fucking Todd: No?

SpoilerAlert: You’ve never lived until you’ve seen Wicked. It’s amazing.

Jason Fucking Todd: Whatever.

Cass: You can’t just ‘whatever’ it.

Jason Fucking Todd: Why am I the only one to have not have seen it?

Dickiebird: I’ll take you sometime.

Jason Fucking Todd: Thanks man. Like I said before, you’re my favorite bro.

Dickiebird: No probs :)

Jason Fucking Todd: Quit it with those smiley faces. Don’t make me change my mind.

TimTamTimmy Man: I thought I was your favorite? :(

Jason Fucking Todd: You’re right after Dick though.

Cass: What about Dami?

Jason Fucking Todd: Doesn’t take a genius to know that answer.

Dickiebird: Really?

Jason Fucking Todd: Yep.

SpoilerAlert: Just move on already.

Jason Fucking Todd: We were having a moment.

SpoilerAlert: Do you really think I care?

Dickiebird: Is it just me, or do the girls always ruin our moments?

Cass: Hey!

TimTamTimmy Man: Why does it always end up like this?

Dickiebird: Cause we’re all a bunch of dysfunctional orphans.

SpoilerAlert: Quit adding fuel to the fire.

Dickiebird: How am I adding fuel to the fire?

Cass: For the last time. Shut up, and move on already.

Jason Fucking Todd: Ok. Ok. Ok. Jesus woman. Women these days…

Cass: I dare you to continue that statement.

SpoilerAlert: Jason can be a dumbass at times.

Jason Fucking Todd: >:(

Dickiebird: Who’s adding fuel to the fire now, Stephanie?

SpoilerAlert: Dick.

SpoilerAlert: Quit being a smartass all the time.

Jason Fucking Todd: I told you you would learn the hard way.

TimTamTimmy Man: What’s there to learn?

Cass: ?

Dickiebird: Quit spewing nonsense Tim.

TimTamTimmy Man: … 

SpoilerAlert: Just continue.

Jason Fucking Todd: If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it to the center of the earth?

Cass: That’s a question with an obvious answer.

Dickiebird: Just move on. I want to get this over with.

Jason Fucking Todd: Already? Aw, I’m hurt.

Dickiebird: I swear I will lick your ass.

Jason Fucking Todd: …

SpoilerAlert: For once I’m glad that I am in no way associated with you people.

Dickiebird: Kick!

Dickiebird: I meant kick!

Jason Fucking Todd: You sure about that?

TimTamTimmy Man: It doesn’t even take an idiot to know that you guys are flirting.

Jason Fucking Todd: Shut your goose Tim!

TimTamTimmy Man: … goose?

Jason Fucking Todd: *mouth

Dickiebird: How tf did you get goose from mouth!?

Jason Fucking Todd: How am I supposed to fucking know!? Ask freakin autocorrect!

SpoilerAlert: You guys are fucking weirdos.

TimTamTimmy Man: They’re weirdos with benefits ;)

Dickiebird: We’re just brothers with a strong bond. Grow up Tim.

Dickiebird: You don’t see me prancing around confessing an undying love for you, do I now?

SpoilerAlert: Now that would be a sight to see.

Jason Fucking Todd: That would be fucking hilarious.

TimTamTimmy Man: Whatever. Still a couple in my eyes.

Jason Fucking Todd: I’m pretty sure you know I’m with Donna.

Dickiebird: I swear Tim…

TimTamTimmy Man: Whatcha gonna do Dick? Come riding on a goose hollering for Jason’s ass?

Dickiebird: … 

Jason Fucking Todd: There are times when I want to kill you Timmyboy. This is one of them.

SpoilerAlert: Where did Dick go?

Jason Fucking Todd: Oh, he’s just wailing in his room repeatedly saying why me.

Cass: Tim!

SpoilerAlert: Were you reading those fanfics that Deadpool showed you?

TimTamTimmy Man: Maybe… 

SpoilerAlert: Ah. No wonder.

Cass: Dick x Jason

Jason Fucking Todd: Wtf?

Cass: And you know how Tim is.

TimTamTimmy Man: I’m right over here, you know.

Cass: Noted.

SpoilerAlert: This sounds very familiar.

Jason Fucking Todd: Tim. You, my bro, are the weirdest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve seen weird.

Dickiebird: Yep. All better now.

TimTamTimmy Man: See? Dick’s all better now.

Dickiebird: Why do I even deal with this shit?

TimTamTimmy Man: You know you love us.

Jason Fucking Todd: I think shutting up would be a real good idea right now.

TimTamTimmy Man: Nah.

Dickiebird: Shut up Tim.

TimTamTimmy Man: No. I have every right to speak my mind. Hoes like you don’t hold me back.

Jason Fucking Todd: … 

Jason Fucking Todd: Wtaf was that!?

Cass: That was Tim dying I think. I mean why else would he be screaming like that?

Jason Fucking Todd: The cackling though. It's fuckin scary when Dick cackles.

TimTamTimmy Man: Imna ubly sobbinh

TimTamTimmy Man: Whyyyyy

SpoilerAlert: Damn. What did Dick do?

Jason Fucking Todd: Alfred's going to get really mad at him, but I think he just blew up all of Tim's Red Bull.

SpoilerAlert: Holy shit.

SpoilerAlert: Forget what I said earlier. I'm moving in.

TimTamTimmy Man: Shut up Steph.

Jason Fucking Todd: I think I’m just gonna, you know, move on?

Dickiebird: Yes. Let's all move on and forget any of this happened, shall we now? :)

SpoilerAlert: I think I now understand why they call Nightwing scary.

Cass: I can't believe I'm saying this, but please just ask the next question Jason.

Jason Fucking Todd: Yes maam.

Jason Fucking Todd: Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

TimTamTimmy Man: Actually, it’s just pure material science.

Jason Fucking Todd: Shut up Timbo. We’re theorizing.

SpoilerAlert: Do you know how stupid that sounds?

TimTamTimmy Man: Not my fault Jason’s too fucked up to realize there’s a stick up his ass. I’ve had enough of this shit. I don’t even know why I put up with that asshole.

Jason Fucking Todd: The world has ended.

Dickiebird: No. The world only ends when Wally starts cursing.

Dickiebird: Tim c'mon bro. I'm sorry.

TimTamTimmy Man: I know. It's just that I'm tired and hungry and it's just been a long day.

SpoilerAlert: Hate to break it to you Tim, but it’s 10:48 in the morning.

Dickiebird: Have you even slept yet?

TimTamTimmy Man: I’m busy.

Jason Fucking Todd: Someone’s definitely cranky.

Dickiebird: I think it’s time to put Code #147 into action.

TimTamTimmy Man: What's that supposed to mean?

_December 15, 11:03am_

TimTamTimmy Man: Kill me right now.

SpoilerAlert: What’s made Tim all gloomy?

Cass: Jason and Dick burned his whole stock of coffee.

Cass: I thought it wasn’t possible, but he screamed even louder than last time.

Cass: It’s like those very few times Dick and Jason work together.

Cass: They wreck the multiverse.

SpoilerAlert: Why am I not surprised?

Cass: Something Dick said about Tim needing his sleep.

SpoilerAlert: Look Tim. I’m pretty sure Jason and Dick meant no harm.

TimTamTimmy Man: They did.

Jason Fucking Todd: At least it’ll teach you to get some proper sleep now.

TimTamTimmy Man: I’m feeling pretty awake at the moment.

Dickiebird: Who are you kidding? You haven’t slept in the last 78 hours.

Jason Fucking Todd: I swear I will fucking sedate you if you don’t go to sleep in the next ten minutes.

TimTamTimmy Man: You sound like Alfred.

Dickiebird: It’s your fault you’re even in this situation.

TimTamTimmy Man: You guys sound like a couple.

Dickiebird: I swear I will burn all of the coffee in this house.

TimTamTimmy Man: Your loss.

TimTamTimmy Man: It’s not like I’m the only one who consumes coffee on a daily basis.

Dickiebird: Ya but we actually sleep.

TimTamTimmy Man: I don’t need sleep like you weaklings.

Jason Fucking Todd: Don’t listen to Tim, Dick.

TimTamTimmy Man: Wow. You guys even act like a couple.

_Dickiebird left the group._

_Jason Fucking Todd left the group._

TimTamTimmy Man: We can’t have that now, can we?

_TimTamTimmy Man added Jason Fucking Todd to the group._

TimTamTimmy Man: My point stands.

Jason Fucking Todd: Does the word “brothers” mean anything to you?

SpoilerAlert: I think Dick’s done with you guys.

Jason Fucking Todd: If I have to suffer, Dick has to suffer too.

_Jason Fucking Todd added Dickiebird to the group._

TimTamTimmy Man: Can I quote you on that?

Dickiebird: Shut up.


	6. The Secret Santa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! This chapter should make up for it. I think I might start updating every weekend or something? Maybe get in a few during the week? It's a lot easier doing that while school's going on. Who knows. Stay safe and enjoy!

_December 16, 12:03pm_

Dickiebird: Guys. We need to do something about Christmas.

Jason Fucking Todd: Why don’t we do a Secret Santa or something?

TimTamTimmy Man: We should do a White Elephant.

SpoilerAlert: I honestly don’t mind anything.

Dickiebird: Shouldn’t we hold a vote or something?

Cass:

[https://works.com/votes-secret-santa](https://drive.google.com/file/d/11ooY5U86FTNpVcOvuMyNMo0Tjumwi236/view?usp=sharing)

TimTamTimmy Man: This is a dictatorship.

Jason Fucking Todd: It’s an oligarchy.

SpoilerAlert: What? I learned what it was, but kinda forgot.

Dickiebird: How do you even forget these things? We literally work for justice every night.

SpoilerAlert: Don’t judge me.

Jason Fucking Todd: A small group of people having control of a country, organization, or institution.

SpoilerAlert: Nerd.

Jason Fucking Todd: And this is what I get for helping you little fuckers.

Jason Fucking Todd: I swear I will shoot you in your sleep.

SpoilerAlert: Thanks for the warning :)

Jason Fucking Todd: I hate you.

TimTamTimmy Man: I don’t wanna do a Secret Santa.

Dickiebird: You’re still cranky?

TimTamTimmy Man: You ruined my life.

Dickiebird: It’s not that bad Timmy.

TimTamTimmy Man: It’s worse.

Dickiebird: I’ll get you coffee for Christmas if you stop complaining.

TimTamTimmy Man: Deal.

Jason Fucking Todd: Quit spoiling the brat.

Dickiebird: We’ll be discussing your coffee habits though.

TimTamTimmy Man: Shoot.

Jason Fucking Todd: The oligarchy shall now decide upon the fate of Timbo’s coffee habits.

TimTamTimmy Man: Please don’t.

Wally: Technically, it’s a group of bats who can’t decide what to do for Christmas.

Jason Fucking Todd: Sounds about right.

BitchAssHarper: White elephant is way easier and it be funner to do.

TimTamTimmy Man: What is wrong with your english?

BitchAssHarper: Have a problem with it?

TimTamTimmy Man: I believe that I stated that before, but you've now proven that you don’t know english, so you obviously wouldn’t understand it in the first place.

Jason Fucking Todd: Omfg

Jason Fucking Todd: You have my utmost respect Timmyboi.

BitchAssHarper: Screw you Tim.

Dickiebird: You guys are coming, right?

BitchAssHarper: Ya.

Dickiebird: We’re doing a Secret Santa.

TimTamTimmy Man: Fine…

SpoilerAlert: On December 24th right?

Jason Fucking Todd: Um, no. How about Saint Patrick’s Day, huh?

TimTamTimmy Man: You don’t have to be so mean all the time.

Jason Fucking Todd: Fuck with Steph somewhere else.

Dickiebird: Why Jason, why?

Jason Fucking Todd: You say that too much these days.

BG: Hmm. This ‘Secret Santa’ actually sounds quite interesting.

Dickiebird: What’s up beautiful?

Wally: Quit stealing my catchphrase.

BG: You both need to work on your catchphrases.

BG: To answer your question Dick, nothing much. Tomorrow sound good to you?

Dickiebird: Sounds awesome.

TimTamTimmy Man: Ewwwww.

Jason Fucking Todd: Ugh.

Jason Fucking Todd: This is a groupchat for heaven’s sake.

Jason Fucking Todd: Keep your love lives to yourselves.

TimTamTimmy Man: **^**

BG: I may be in a wheelchair, but I can still take the two of you down any day. So you guys had better shut up.

Dickiebird: Don’t invoke the wrath of Babs.

BG: Same goes for you Twinkle Toes.

Dickiebird: Shutting up right now.

Damian: What do you say, Pennyworth?

Jason Fucking Todd: I almost forgot Demon Spawn was here as well.

Damian: -Tt- Todd always has been a weak-minded fool. Or should I say a buffoon brained idiot?

Jason Fucking Todd: Asshole.

Alfred: I think I shall leave the planning to you, young masters.

Alfred: Master Jason. Master Damian. Apologize to each other immediately.

Jason Fucking Todd: And why should I apologize? I didn’t do anything at all.

Alfred: Master Jason. I will not ask you again.

Jason Fucking Todd: Fine… 

Damian: -Tt- I apologize.

Jason Fucking Todd: D-d-aaa-mian. I-i a-pp-ol-ogi-i-i-ze.

Alfred: Now that wasn’t so hard was it?

Jason Fucking Todd: You have no idea how hard it was to type those words. It took a lot of my will power to just type each letter.

Alfred: …

Dickiebird: Y-You just left Alfred speechless.

Damian: Todd has the ability to leave anyone speechless.

Jason Fucking Todd: I take pride in it.

Damian: Will West be coming?

Wally: You mean Irey? I don’t see why not.

Damian: Good.

Jason Fucking Todd: Ah. He’s readying the big guns.

Damian: ?

Wally: Huh?

Jason Fucking Todd: It’s obvious Damian loves her. You should see the way he gapes at her dick awestruck during joint patrols.

Damian: TODD. I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU TONIGHT.

Wally: WHAT IN THE WORLD DAMIAN???

Alfred: There will be none of that.

Jason Fucking Todd: He never said he didn’t.

Damian: I can assure you West that I do not stare at her all day. She is merely a friend.

Wally: Jason I swear to god.

Jason Fucking Todd: Just hold on a sec guys.

_Jason Fucking Todd added Irey to the group._

Irey: Hiya guys!

Irey: Hiya Dami!

Wally: JASON.

Irey: Huh?

Jason Fucking Todd: Please make sure you read the conversation above.

Damian: It may be for your own good if you did not read it West.

Irey: Now you’ve got me curious.

Jason Fucking Todd: On your knees for Irey now?

Jason Fucking Todd: I see it.

Irey: Huh? I’m confused.

Damian: It would be best if it stayed that way.

Irey: Just gimme a sec. I’m about to scroll up.

Wally: Oh shoot.

Damian: CURSE YOU TODD.

Jason Fucking Todd: ;)

Damian: You disgust me.

Wally: Yeah, Irey? I don’t think it would be a good idea to read the stuff above-

Irey: O-O

Irey: Wtf????

Irey: WHAT THE HELL DAMIAN.

Irey: WHAT THE HELL JASON.

Jason Fucking Todd: I love it when one of the West’s get mad. Very enjoyable.

TimTamTimmy Man: Very enjoyable indeed.

Damian: YOU WILL DIE TODD. I WILL MAKE SURE YOU SUFFER A DEATH MORE TORTUOUS THAN AT THE HANDS OF MY GRANDFATHER HIMSELF.

Irey: Can I join you?

Damian: Sure.

Jason Fucking Todd: See what I mean?

Irey: JASON.

Damian: TODD.

Jason Fucking Todd: They even finish each other’s sentences.

Dickiebird: Are you trying to get yourself killed?

BitchAssHarper: He always does.

Jason Fucking Todd: This is too much fun.

Irey: Just wait until you die this evening.

Jason Fucking Todd: Wait a sec. You guys can’t just kill me off like that.

Damian: Actually, we can.

Irey: **^**

Jason Fucking Todd: Uh oh.

Dickiebird: Could we not have just one conversation where someone isn’t trying to kill the other.

Damian: Sorry Grayson, but Todd is incapable of doing that.

Irey: Where did Jason even get this idea of us together?

TimTamTimmy Man: "Dami" wanted to know if you could come to the party.

Damian: I respect West as a reliable and trustworthy friend.

Irey: Thanks!

Dickiebird: Damian likes you a lot.

Irey: Huh?

Damian: As a friend, of course. Isn’t that right, Grayson?

Dickiebird: But I thou-

Damian: Finish that thought and I won’t hesitate to maim you, Grayson.

Irey: Oh. Okay.

Irey: I guess I’ll see you guys later. I gotta go. See ya Dami!

Damian: Sure.

SpoilerAlert: Aw. I haven’t finished my bowl of popcorn yet.

Cass: Will 7:00pm be fine with you and Roy?

SpoilerAlert: Ya. Keep ignoring me people. I totally don’t feel left out.

Wally: Yeah. That should work out.

BitchAssHarper: Sounds good to me.

SpoilerAlert: You never asked for my opinion.

Cass: You’re already part of the family.

Jason Fucking Todd: Speaking of family… Why are Wally and Roy in this group anyways?

_Wally and BitchAssHarper have been removed from the group by Jason Fucking Todd._

Jason Fucking Todd: There. That’s a whole lot better.

_Cass added Wally and BitchAssHarper to the group._

Wally: What was that for?

Jason Fucking Todd: The name clearly says BAT FAMILY.

BitchAssHarper: So?

TimTamTimmy Man: You’re not family.

TimTamTimmy Man: To be fair. We’ll hold a vote.

Jason Fucking Todd: If you wish for them to be gone, type Ay. Alfred doesn’t count.

Jason Fucking Todd: Ay.

BG: Ay.

Dickiebird: Betrayed by my own wife.

BG: Shut up.

Timmy: Ay.

Damian: Ay.

Jason Fucking Todd: Is that everyone?

BitchAssHarper: Ha. It’s a tie.

SpoilerAlert: Ay.

BitchAssHarper: STEPH.

SpoilerAlert: yeethaw ;)

Jason Fucking Todd: Ha. So long suckers.

_Wally and BitchAssHarper have been removed from this group by Jason Fucking Todd._

Dickiebird: That was a bit harsh, Jason.

Jason Fucking Todd: Relax. I curse Roy like everyday.

TimTamTimmy Man: Is that supposed to be reassuring?

Jason Fucking Todd: Yep.

_Cass added Wally and BitchAssHarper to the group._

Wally: You guys are nice.

SpoilerAlert: Cass? Whyyyyyy?

Cass: I kinda felt bad for them.

Jason Fucking Todd: Not a good enough reason.

Wally: You removed me and Roy, but not Irey?

Jason Fucking Todd: I forgot about her.

_Irey was removed from the group by Jason Fucking Todd._

BitchAssHarper: Do you guys like hate us or something?

Damian: Yes. Well, excluding West.

Dickiebird: Only Damian does.

TimTamTimmy Man: Which one?

Jason Fucking Todd: Hmm. Didn’t know that you liked Wally. Guess you’re gay now. Funny, he's married too. Someone's doing dirty now hehe.

Wally: Jason istamfg.

Jason Fucking Todd: ;)

Damian: Only an imbecile like you would think horrid thoughts like these. I have feelings for no one.

Jason Fucking Todd: Except Irey.

Damian: I hate you with a passion.

Jason Fucking Todd: But you never denied anything.

Damian: You should be glad West isn’t in this group anymore.

BitchAssHarper: Why can’t we stay?

TimTamTimmy Man: It’s just, It’s the batfam, you know. Our spunk.

Jason Fucking Todd: Well now that that has been decided…

Cass: Don’t you fucking dare, Jason.

SpoilerAlert: Jason. She's going to fucking murder you. Don't do this bro.

Dickiebird: Do you really think it's a good idea to anger Cass?

TimTamTimmy Man: Whatever you're going to do, just get on with it.

Jason Fucking Todd: Well, you only live twice.

SpoilerAlert: Famous last words.

_Wally and BitchAssHarper were removed from this chat by Jason Fucking Todd._

Cass: JASON PETER TODD.

Damian: Start running Todd.

Jason Fucking Todd: I know. But the window won’t budg- HOLY SHIT. SHE’S TRYING TO BREAK DOWN MY DOOR.

Damian: I can hear the screams from the kitchen.

TimTamTimmy Man: Should we intervene?

Damian: He deserves it. 

Dickiebird: I think Jason learned his lesson. He’ll be fine.

TimTamTimmy Man: That’s kinda heartless Dick.

SpoilerAlert: He has been rather heartless these last few days.

Damian: I think I am going to assist Cain.

Dickiebird: Uh oh.

Dickiebird: Poor Jason.

TimTamTimmy Man: Maybe we should add them back. Then Cass may spare Jason after all.

_Dickiebird added Wally and BitchAssHarper to the group._

Dickiebird: One problem solved.

TimTamTimmy Man: Oh dear.

BG: I thought you were all for the idea of kicking Roy and Wally out.

TimTamTimmy Man: Ya but that was before Cass was torturing Jason.

Dickiebird: Oh god. I never thought it could, but the screams just got worse.

SpoilerAlert: I actually kinda feel bad for Jason. Maybe we should intervene.

Dickiebird: I’m starting to think we should too.

TimTamTimmy Man: I’m too young to die.

Dickiebird: Tim? Really?

Timmy: She’s _Cass_ . And _Damian_ is with her. Does that mean anything to your pea-sized brain?

BG: You’re just scared.

TimTamTimmy Man: You’re one to talk. You’re safe in your apartment.

TimTamTimmy Man: Do you not understand the shit I go through everyday because of this family?

BG: Sucks to be you.

SpoilerAlert: Be a man Tim.

TimTamTimmy Man: Unlike you guys, I am not suicidal.

SpoilerAlert: Are we gonna save Jason? Cause now it sounds like he’s dying.

TimTamTimmy Man: Well Damian did warn him about torturing him. A lot.

Dickiebird: Tim!

TimTamTimmy Man: Fine…

TimTamTimmy Man: But if we die, I will torture you guys myself in hell.


	7. Staying Whelmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody! Thank you all so much for the comments and the kudos! I really appreciate the support! Alfred and Wally will make more appearances from this chapters onwards (Alfred's amazing, just saying). I think I'll try to add in a little more Roy? This chapter should be a little bit more peaceful than the last few. Stay safe and enjoy!

_December 17, 10:44am._

BG: How’s Jason doing?

Dickiebird: I wouldn’t exactly say whelmed.

Dickiebird: At least we still have dinner to look forward to.

BG: That’s a plus.

BG: Will Jason be okay though?

Dickiebird: He’s traumatized for life.

Jason Fucking Todd: You would too if you had Cass and Damian barreling down on you at the sametime.

Damian: At least Todd now knows to not mess with the private lives of those surrounding him.

Jason Fucking Todd: I’m not afraid of you Demon Spawn. Cass was already scary before you got there.

Jason Fucking Todd: You only made it a little more painful.

Jason Fucking Todd: The only things I fear is Cass, Alfred, and crowbars.

Jason Fucking Todd: Asides from that, you guys should check out Timbucktu at the moment. Or should I say Tiny Tim?

_TimTamTimmy Man changed his name to Tiny Tim._

Tiny Tim: JASON.

Jason Fucking Todd: That wasn’t me.

Dickiebird: I changed it. It suits you by the way.

Tiny Tim: I can’t even change it! Why do you have to be a good hacker Dick?

Dickiebird: Life’s life, Tiny Tim. Nothing I can do about it.

SpoilerAlert: **@Tiny Tim** I thought you were a good hacker as well?

Tiny Tim: Ya but nowhere as good as Dick and Bruce.

Jason Fucking Todd: This nickname suits you. You’re a midget-

Tiny Tim: I’m taller than Dick now!

Jason Fucking Todd: -you _are_ technically crippled-

Tiny Tim: I sprained my ankle while saving your sorry ass. You don’t deserve the saving.

Jason Fucking Todd: -and it’s Christmas time.

Tiny Tim: Did you even take anything I just said into account?

Jason Fucking Todd: Yeah, but I chose to ignore you.

Dickiebird: You haven’t cussed in a really long time.

SpoilerAlert: What’s with you and bringing up random topics?

Tiny Tim: I don’t know about you, Dick, but it’s definitely hard for me to forget the “HOLY SHIT. SHE’S TRYING TO BREAK DOWN MY DOOR.”

Dickiebird: Ya but you know what I mean. It’s been a full 22 hours, 38 minutes, and 13 seconds since he last cussed. It’s a wonder he’s gone on for this long.

SpoilerAlert: Judging by how you act on daily basis, it’s easy to forget that you were once a mathlete.

Jason Fucking Todd: Blondie, you stole the words right out of my mouth. 

Dickiebird: Hey! You guys are just jealous because I'm the second smartest out of all of you. First one being Tim.

BG: And what am I? Chopped liver?

Tiny Tim: Could we please not? I’m so not in the mood to argue with you guys.

Damian: I must say, I agree with Drake on this. Petty squabbling will get us nowhere and will hinder our teamwork on the field.

Dickiebird: I’m screenshotting this moment.

SpoilerAlert: ^

Tiny Tim: I’m literally crying tears of joy right now.

Damian: Shut up Drake.

Jason Fucking Todd: And we’re back to square one.

Jason Fucking Todd: Anyways, to answer your question Dick, soap can work wonders on the tongue. Food is now less appealing than before.

Tiny Tim: In all technicality, Alfred has warned you time and again. You just choose to ignore him.

Tiny Tim: Think of it as a lesson which you can learn from.

SpoilerAlert: When did you become a preacher?

Jason Fucking Todd: You’re one to talk Tim.

Tiny Tim: If I was, then I would be the one in trouble. You see, you're forgetting one thing here. Alfred knows everything.

Alfred: Quite right Master Timothy.

Alfred: And Master Jason, I advise you put the knife away before I increase your punishment.

Jason Fucking Todd: How the heck did you know!? You’re in the kitchen!

Alfred: As Master Timothy so eloquently put it, I know everything.

Alfred: That is all for now. The cookies are ready, if any of you wish to eat them.

Wally: Awesome! I should be there in about a minute.

SpoilerAlert: Sweet!

Alfred: Master Wallace, I would appreciate it if you did not finish the entire batch in a minute.

Alfred: And could someone please tell Master Richard to come downstairs after his shower?

Damian: Of course, Pennyworth. I shall gladly do so.

Wally: Omg these cookies are amazing.

Tiny Tim: You say that everytime.

SpoilerAlert: Oh dear. Tim, get down here quickly.

Wally: Someone please whack Jason with a broom for me.

Tiny Tim: What did he do this time?

Wally: Remember that new formula we were testing out to trap speedsters?

Wally: He used it.

SpoilerAlert: Wally looks like he’s gonna explode.

Jason Fucking Todd: Did you get a picture?

Tiny Tim: Oh ye of little faith. Of course I did.

SpoilerAlert: Dang the world is ending. Wally’s cussing like a sailor.

Tiny Tim: It’s time for a change of name.

_Wally changed his name to Rudolph the Red Faced Reindeer._

Rudolph the Red Faced Reindeer: I hate you all.

Tiny Tim: Meh, too long.

_Rudolph the Red Faced Reindeer changed his name to Rudolph._

Tiny Tim: That’s better.

Rudolph: No it’s not.

Jason Fucking Todd: Cool down Carrot Head. We just wanted to make sure you wouldn’t finish the entire batch before we had the chance to eat some.

Rudolph: I solemnly swear that I shall not eat Alfred’s entire batch of cookies.

Jason Fucking Todd: Good. One sec. Lemme get the formula.

SpoilerAlert: Just like that? It's over? No fire or anything?

Tiny Tim: No, thank god.

Tiny Tim: This is actually kind of nice.

Rudolph: I know right? No exploding utensils this time.

SpoilerAlert: Exploding utensils? What’s the story behind that?

Jason Fucking Todd: Even Damian isn’t as ruthless as he usually is.

Damian: Unlike you Todd, I actually respect Pennyworth.

Tiny Tim: PLease stop. I’m literally begging you guys. I want peace.

SpoilerAlert: Why is it always me who’s ignored?

Jason Fucking Todd: It’s called sibling tensions. You don’t matter at the moment.

Rudolph: Isn’t Steph technically like a sister to you though?

Jason Fucking Todd: Kinda. So is Tim. 

Jason Fucking Todd: But it’s kind of weird when the two flirt with each other.

Tiny Tim: Jason stop.

Jason Fucking Todd: I saw them smooching on the rooftops once.

Tiny Tim: Jason!

Jason Fucking Todd: They were real into it too.

Tiny Tim: Istg Jason.

Jason Fucking Todd: I bet on my life there will be little bat babies prancing around the city next year.

Tiny Tim: There is something that is fundamentally wrong with you.

Jason Fucking Todd: It’s fun to pick on you Baby Bird.

SpoilerAlert: Don’t ask questions if you find Jason’s corpse on the roof tonight.

Jason Fucking Todd: Who are you kidding?

Jason Fucking Todd: I could defeat you in a mere few seconds.

SpoilerAlert: I never said I was the one who was going to kill you.

Jason Fucking Todd: Uh-huh. And that’s supposed to make me feel scared?

SpoilerAlert: What about Cass, huh?

***A few seconds of complete silence***

SpoilerAlert: I thought so.

Jason Fucking Todd: Please don’t set Cass on me.

SpoilerAlert: If you make any more rude comments, I will.

Jason Fucking Todd: Was this whole group created against me?

Damian: You created this mess Todd. Suck it up and deal with it.

Jason Fucking Todd: I hate this group.

Tiny Tim: No you don’t. Why else would you be talking to us right now?

Jason Fucking Todd: Fine. Let me rephrase. I intensely dislike you morons.

Tiny Tim: Meh, better than hating.

Dickiebird: I take a quick shower, and I come back to this.

Rudolph: Anyways… Thanks a lot Dick.

Dickiebird: Anytime bro.

Jason Fucking Todd: Why are you in here anyways?

Rudolph: Dick added me.

Dickiebird: I figured that since we’re all super close, we might as well let Wally and Roy stay.

Jason Fucking Todd: There are times that I almost hate you as much as Damian.

Cass: Is there anything you wanted to do, Jason?

Jason Fucking Todd: No… hehe.

Cass: I thought so.


	8. Guys?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's everyone doing? This chapter's kinda long. I was really surprised at the length when I finished typing it. Thirteen pages! Of course, I tried shortening it, but it was kinda hard trying to make everything flow properly. Stay safe, comment, and enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not any characters that belong to Marvel or DC.

_December 18, 3:34am_

Dickiebird: Guys?

Dickibird: We might have a slight problem over here.

Jason Fucking Todd: You’re still out patrolling?

Damian: What is it, Grayson?

Dickiebird: It’s really important.

Jason Fucking Todd: We have a bigger problem back here though.

Dickiebird: Define bigger.

Jason Fucking Todd: Tim’s on his nineth cup of coffee.

Dickiebird: Quit stealing my coffee Tim.

Tiny Tim: You’re not my dad.

Dickiebird: Why can’t you sleep like normal people?

Tiny Tim: Sleep is for the weak.

Dickiebird: Um… 

Dickiebird: Whatever. We have more important things back here.

Jason Fucking Todd: Do you not understand the gravity of the situation here?

Dickiebird: Just knock him out or something.

Tiny Tim: Not cool Dick. Not. Cool.

BG: What was that thing you were saying earlier?

Tiny Tim: More espresso, less depresso.

BG: See what we mean Dick?

SpoilerAlert: That is probably the most unhealthiest thing I have ever heard from you, Tim.

Jason Fucking Todd: I’ve heard worse.

Damian: I’m gonna sedate Drake.

Dickiebird: Guys?

Jason Fucking Todd: Piece of advice brat. Use the one that brings down the elephants.

Tiny Tim: Jason!

Damian: Thank you Todd.

Jason Fucking Todd: No probs.

SpoilerAlert: It’s nice to see the two of you working together for once.

Dickiebird: GUYS!

Dickiebird: More important problems over here!

Jason Fucking Todd: Like what?

Dickiebird: One sec… 

_Dickiebird added ThefreakinSpider to the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

ThefreakinSpider: OMFG! YOU GUYS ARE _THE_ BATFAM! THIS IS SO COOL!

Tiny Tim: Wtf?

SpoilerAlert: I am confusion.

Tiny Tim: You did not just.

Dickiebird: **@SpoilerAlert** Tbh, same.

Cass: Why is Spiderman in our universe?

Dickiebird: And the Avengers.

ThefreakinSpider: Because Clint’s an idiot.

Jason Fucking Todd: It would certainly be beneficial if you went more into detail, Parker.

SpoilerAlert: I forgot how much of a book nerd you were.

Tiny Tim: Ignore them. Just answer Jason’s question.

ThefreakinSpider: Out of all things, he just had to press the big, red button! The one that clearly said DO NOT PUSH. Apparently, he wanted to “see what happened”.

Tiny Tim: That sucks dude.

ThefreakinSpider: Just call me Peter.

Jason Fucking Todd: Is Wade here?

ThefreakinSpider: How do you know Wade?

Jason Fucking Todd: Interdimensional stuff, kid.

Damian: Wilson is a stupid oaf who deserves to be burned within the depths of hell.

ThefreakinSpider: Ok?

Tiny Tim: Ignore Damian. He doesn’t like anybody except for Dick, Alfred, and Bruce.

Jason Fucking Todd: And, of course, Irey.

Damian: I swear Todd! I will send you to-

Jason Fucking Todd: Hell? Been there. Came back. 

Tiny Tim: Don’t forget Colin and Jon.

Jason Fucking Todd: Dang I forgot about them. I wouldn't be surprised if Damian was in a threesome with them.

Alfred: Master Damian. I would advise you to put down the explosives.

Damian: But Pennyworth-

Alfred: Down means down, Master Damian. Master Jason and Master Timothy. Downstairs. Now. It is time I gave you two the Talk.

Damian: Hell yes.

Jason Fucking Todd: Oh no.

Tiny Tim: I’m outta here.

Jason Fucking Todd: I’ve already gotten it like three times!

Alfred: That is your fault, Master Jason.

Tiny Tim: I’m sorry!

Alfred: I am not the one you should be apologizing to.

Tiny Tim: I texted him privately.

Damian: Thank you Drake. Though I must say, I did not expect one from Todd.

Jason Fucking Todd: It was too traumatizing for me. Bruce is terrible at explaining stuff like that.

Dickiebird: You’re right on that one. Bruce did a horrible job explaining it. I was so traumatized by the end.

Tiny Tim: At least that’s one thing we can all agree on. Going into the graphic details was not what I imagined when Bruce sat me down to “talk” with him.

Damian: Although Father wasn’t the one to educate me on such nonsense, I sympathize with you fools. Mother was very blunt when going into the details.

Tiny Tim: We really don’t need to bring up the memories.

ThefreakinSpider: … wow.

ThefreakinSpider: That was a rollercoaster.

SpoilerAlert: ^

BG: We seriously did not need to know this stuff.

Dickiebird: Sorry not sorry.

Tiny Tim: Why is it that whenever I’m around, we talk about the weirdest things?

Dickiebird: I don’t know Tim. Ask our resident psychopath.

Jason Fucking Todd: I resent that.

Cass: Uh hello? Probably not the best time to have one of our squabbles?

Dickiebird: How are we supposed to find them though?

Jason Fucking Todd: Crap. They must be spread out through Gotham. And Gotham is our city.

Jason Fucking Todd: Bats isn’t going to be happy.

ThefreakinSpider: Don’t worry about it too much. Just follow the chaos and drama and you’ll find them.

Jason Fucking Todd: Hate to break it to you kid, but Gotham is full of chaos and drama.

Jason Fucking Todd: Though… that does actually help. I think I found them.

Damian: Congratulations Todd. For once, you have actually accomplished something useful.

Jason Fucking Todd: Shut up.

Dickiebird: Something is rotten in Gotham.

Tiny Tim: Hamlet, huh?

SpoilerAlert: Hmm. It kind of rhymes in a weird way.

Jason Fucking Todd: Wait. Did you say Clint? As in Clint Barton?

ThefreakinSpider: Ya.

Tiny Tim: Didn’t know you were a fan girl.

Jason Fucking Todd: Can it, short stack.

Jason Fucking Todd: Clint’s been here too.

Dickiebird: Thank the gods it wasn’t Wade.

Jason Fucking Todd: What do you guys have against Wade?

Dickiebird: The only good thing that came out of him was when he threw all of Tim’s coffee into the toilet before blowing it up.

Tiny Tim: Hey!

ThefreakinSpider: What is it with you people and explosives?

Rudolph: Is now a good time to bring up the exploding utensils?

SpoilerAlert: Huh. I never heard the story behind that one.

Dickiebird: Now is seriously not the time.

Dickiebird: You were saying that Clint’s here?

ThefreakinSpider: Ya. That’s funny though.

ThefreakinSpider: Clint never mentioned you guys.

SpoilerAlert: I really think it would be a good idea to add them to the group.

Bruce Wayne: Agreed.

ThefreakinSpider: Woah. You’re Batman! This is soooo awesome!

Tiny Tim: Yet another fangirl.

Jason Fucking Todd: Says the person who was stalking us for about half of our lives.

Tiny Tim: I was not stalking!

ThefreakinSpider: I’m not a fangirl!

BG: Guys. It’s really too early for this.

SpoilerAlert: Tim. I love you. I really do, but I need you to lessen the coffee.

Tiny Tim: Fine.

Bruce Wayne: Just so you know, Lucius read these messages out loud because I was busy with work here.

Bruce Wayne: We’re both traumatized.

BG: Poor Lucius. The shit he puts up with.

Bruce Wayne: Why do I put up with you all?

Dickiebird: You know you love us Bruce.

Bruce Wayne: Sadly, you’re right.

Jason Fucking Todd: That was… very wholesome.

Tiny Tim: All it took was 3 words.

Dickiebird: Oh no. Sweet, tiny, loveable Tim is getting a sharp tongue.

Tiny Tim: That’s right people.

Tiny Tim: Living the upgrade!

***A few seconds of silence***

SpoilerAlert: I love how everybody understood the reference yet didn’t say anything about it.

Dickiebird: What can I say Steph? We all love a good musical reference.

BG: I love how out of all the things we could have bonded over, we chose musicals.

Jason Fucking Todd: You can thank me for that.

Dickiebird: Don’t forget about me! I was the one who introduced you to Heathers in the first place!

Damian: **@Jason Fucking Todd** Grayson does have a point.

Tiny Tim: I’m still amazed we even got Damian obsessed in the first place.

ThefreakinSpider: You guys get distracted easily.

ThefreakinSpider: Like you’ve moved from nearly killing each other to talking about bonding over musicals.

SpoilerAlert: What can we say? We’re the Batfam.

ThefreakinSpider: Aren’t we supposed to be adding the Avengers right now?

Cass: Righto.

_ThefreakinSpider added ZeoneanonlyStark, Mama Spider, Hawkeye, Capsicle, and Falconista to the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: Clint my man. Long time no see.

Hawkeye: Ah, Jason my boy. Nice to see you again.

Falconista: You know these idiots?

Jason Fucking Todd: Listen up birdbrain.

Jason Fucking Todd: I don’t care who the fuck you are, but back off from my family.

Falconista: Family? Ha. More like a bunch of morons. I mean, who else dresses up like hooligans swinging around rooftops all night?

Tiny Tim: Uh, you.

Falconista: You must be blind then.

Jason Fucking Todd: Permission to kill Falcon?

Dickiebird: Sure. Do whatever you want with him.

Bruce Wayne: Dick!

Bruce Wayne: JASON. NO.

Damian: Do it Todd.

Bruce Wayne ***sighs*** : Dick. Damian. Stand down.

Dickiebird: No one messes with my family.

Bruce Wayne: Jason.

Jason Fucking Todd: This is not my fault.

Tiny Tim: For once you’re actually right.

Dickiebird: Tim. Stop.

Tiny Tim: Remember that time he used a flamethrower on Captain Cold to see if he could, how should I say this, “melt”?

Dickiebird: I was a hormonal and extremely emotional teenager at the time! And Jason had gotten frozen in ice!

Damian: And yet you have the audacity to lecture me about _not overstepping the line_.

Dickiebird: Hehe.

Hawkeye: What’s up brat?

Damian: Hello Barton.

Falconista: So you guys are the Bat Family as you put it?

Tiny Tim: Yep.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Well hello everyone. I’m Iron-

Jason Fucking Todd: Yeah, yeah. Skip the introductions.

Hawkeye: The idiot always has to introduce himself.

Tiny Tim: Sounds like someone I know…

Jason Fucking Todd: Shut up Replacement.

Capsicle: Well, it would be nice if all could help us find a way back home. Before anything bad happens. The longer we stay, the more complicated it’s going to get. Our world could be under attack at any moment.

Dickiebird: Sure. Just make that idiot of a bird keep his mouth shut.

Falconista: Hey! I’m right here.

Dickiebird: We can easily change that.

_Falconista was kicked out of the group._

Tiny Tim: Very manly Dick. Very manly.

ThefreakinSpider: Do you always have the last word?

Tiny Tim: Always.

_Tiny Tim added Falconista to the group._

Dickiebird: Such betrayal.

Tiny Tim: To be practical here, we need them all to stay together.

Jason Fucking Todd: Guys. We have more important matters at hand right now.

Mama Spider: Like?

Capsicle: ^

Jason Fucking Todd: Tim’s on his 9th cup of coffee.

Mama Spider: You can’t be serious.

Dickiebird: Dang I forgot about that.

Dickiebird: **@Tiny Tim** You and I are going to have a little chat once I get home.

Tiny Tim: No. Stop. Stay away.

BG: Steph and Cass are over. I can always send over a few handcuffs.

Damian: Perfect Gordon. See to that. In the meantime, I shall incapacitate Drake.

Tiny Tim: Shoot.

Jason Fucking Todd: You ain’t getting away you little shit.

Jason Fucking Todd: Did you-did you just?

Tiny Tim: 

Jason Fucking Todd: That’s it. I’m calling in Alfred.

Alfred: Master Timothy. I suggest you get back here right now.

Tiny Tim: Oh shit.

Alfred: Might I remind you I have a bar of soap ready at hand if you are to utter any more of such ghastly vocabulary?

Tiny Tim: Nope. Coming right back.

Jason Fucking Todd: Crisis averted.

Mama Spider: You guys can’t be serious right now.

Jason Fucking Todd: We are.

Jason Fucking Todd: Welcome to the Wayne family.

ThefreakinSpider: I like this family.

Falconista: Y’all are insane.

Dickiebird: You’d better stfu before I sic Cass on you.

Falconista: Good luck with that. I ain’t getting bossed around by a bunch of pansies.

Dickiebird: Forget what I said before. I’m out for blood.

SpoilerAlert: Better start running dumbass.

SpoilerAlert: When Dick’s out for blood, he’s out for blood.

SpoilerAlert: He can be even scarier than Cass when provoked.

Bruce Wayne: Dick. No.

Dickiebird: Dick. Yes.

BG: Dick, god so help me if you touch that man.

Dickiebird: You guys suck the fun out of everything.

Jason Fucking Todd: And you guys call me the psychopath.

Damian: That’s because you are a psychopath, Todd

Jason Fucking Todd: This is coming from our resident sociopath.

Tiny Tim: Um Jason.

Jason Fucking Todd: What?

Tiny Tim: Was that supposed to be a roast?

_Jason Fucking Todd left the group._

Dickiebird: I’ll get him.

_Dickiebird added Jason Fucking Todd to the group._

Dickiebird: I should stop hanging around you people.

Dickiebird: You all keep corrupting me.

Tiny Tim: Dude who are you kidding? You were already corrupted before the rest of us came along.

Dickiebird: Eh. Point taken.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Are you guys going to help us or not?

Jason Fucking Todd: Shut up Stark. The adults are talking.

ThefreakinSpider: That’s it. You’re my new idol.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Peter no!

Tiny Tim: I like this kid.

Jason Fucking Todd: Awesome. Let’s all go get drunk now.

Capsicle: That’s it. I’m leaving.

_Capsicle left the group._

BG: I can hear Dick’s sigh from here.

_Dickiebird added Capsicle to the group._

Dickiebird: Sorry Cap. We still need to keep in contact with you.

Damian: Do you even have your priorities straight, Todd?

Damian: Actually, why would I ask myself that question. Just thinking about Todd makes me lose brain cells.

Jason Fucking Todd: THAT’S IT YOU LITTLE SHIT. I SWEAR -

Dickiebird: Please. We really don’t need another hole in the wall.

Jason Fucking Todd: Please stop bringing that up.

Mama Spider: Hole in the wall?

Tiny Tim: I’m not explaining it again.

Dickiebird: To put it simply, we try to murder each other on a daily basis.

Damian: I only try to murder you people when you act like imbeciles. Which is, unfortunately, all the time for you lot.

Tiny Tim: You just want an excuse to kill me.

Damian: That too, Drake.

Capsicle: Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to ask you all for help.

Capsicle: Maybe I can ask some neighbouring heroes?

Bruce Wayne: I’ll make sure to lock up the boys while you’re here. They won’t cause any disturbances.

Dickiebird: Wow. Way to be supportive Bruce.

Bruce Wayne: Except for Dick. Dick’s the most level-headed.

Tiny Tim: Hey!

Bruce Wayne: Tim as well.

Jason Fucking Todd: You can’t lock me up! I’ll just break out.

Bruce Wayne: Hmm. I guess I’ll leave you all to Alfred.

Capsicle: Alright. As long as they don’t do anything…

Alfred: I can ensure that the young masters won’t wreak havoc during your stay, isn’t that right boys?

Jason Fucking Todd: Well there goes Saturday night’s plans.

Alfred: What was that, Master Jason?

Jason Fucking Todd: Nothing…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya... I've always kinda been in love with musicals and I just had to do it! I kinda liked the idea that all of the bat siblings had bonded over musicals and I guess it just stuck. I was thinking of making a chapter dedicated to musicals. Should I? Anyways, I forgot to mention this before, but I'm open to any suggestions or ideas. I would really love to hear from you all! Stay safe guys!


	9. Don't mess with Batcow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all are doing fine! I don't really have much to say right now, so I'll just get on with it. Thank you all so much for the support. Stay safe and enjoy.

_December 18, 9:02am_

Damian: PARKER.

Jason Fucking Todd: Wtf?

Tiny Tim: Uhhhhh... Peter? What did you do?

ThefreakinSpider: Should I start running?

Tiny Tim: That certainly would be preferable.

Dickiebird: What _did_ you do?

ThefreakinSpider: Hehe. It's... complicated.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Kid. I swear you're gonna be the end of me.

Damian: COME BACK HERE AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN.

ThefreakinSpider: No can do. That would be suicide.

SpoilerAlert: Can’t we have one conversation where nobody's trying to kill one another?

BG: I'm actually kind of surprised that it wasn't Jason this time.

Jason Fucking Todd: I'm not that bad.

Dickiebird: …

Jason Fucking Todd: Right?

SpoilerAlert: Keep telling yourself that.

Jason Fucking Todd: Way to throw me under a bus _Dick_.

Dickiebird: All I did was remain speechless??

Mama Spider: Shouldn't we focus on saving the Little Spider?

ThefreakinSpider: Ya. What she said.

BG: Sorry to break it to you, but you're pretty much screwed.

Tiny Tim: Yep.

SpoilerAlert: ^

Cass: ^

Jason Fucking Todd: ^

Dickiebird: This is just sad.

ThefreakinSpider: HELP ME.

ThefreakinSpider: I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE.

Falconista: Kid, you should probably get out of here.

ThefreakinSpider: Oh really? Now why didn’t I think of that?

Falconista: Chill on the sass kid.

Falconista: You should stop hanging around Stark.

Damian: WHERE IS HE.

Damian: Mark my words Parker. I will find you, and I will kill you.

Capsicle: I knew we shouldn’t have stayed here.

SpoilerAlert: I think he just quoted Taken.

Dickiebird: _That’s_ what you’re worried about right now?

Jason Fucking Todd: What did you do to get him this angry?

ZeoneanonlyStark: My idiot of an intern thought of the bright idea of creating explosive webbing.

Tiny Tim: Figures.

Hawkeye: Only you kid, only you.

ThefreakinSpider: It kinda served its purpose.

Dickiebird: On the bright side, it works.

Tiny Tim: See? There’s always a bright side.

ThefreakinSpider: Not helping.

Falconista: Sucks to be you.

ThefreakinSpider: ANd it may or may not have destroyed his knives set. And nearly kill his cow… 

Tiny Tim: You just had to go for the cow. Knives I’m sure he would forgive. But the cow? You’re dead bro.

Jason Fucking Todd: Nice job kid.

Damian: TODD.

Jason Fucking Todd: What do you want you little shit?

Capsicle: Do you really have to use such language?

Jason Fucking Todd: Yep.

Alfred: Do I need to wash out your mouth again Master Jason?

Jason Fucking Todd: … no.

Alfred: Good. Then I suggest you refrain from using such language too often.

Hawkeye: How?

Cass: Only Alfred has the power of god.

Cass: Here comes the cavalry. You’re in for it, Peter.

ThefreakinSpider: Call your dogs off! This isn’t fair at all!

Damian: It isn’t supposed to be.

ThefreakinSpider: Shit. Cats can climb walls.

Dickiebird: …I’ll grab Titus and Ace.

Tiny Tim: You brought this onto yourself. Don’t mess with the cow next time.

Tiny Tim: I’ve taken care of the cats.

Damian: GRAYSON. DRAKE. WHY WOULD YOU HELP HIM.

Tiny Tim: Think of it rather as saving your ass from Alfred’s wrath than helping Peter.

ThefreakinSpider: I’m still here you know!

Dickiebird: Alfred would be after your head if your animals destroyed the furniture.

Damian: I suppose that is plausible.

Damian: I’m coming after you Parker. You can’t hide forever. When I find you, you will regret being born.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Wayne istg if your kid touches my kid-

Bruce Wayne: I’ll handle it. Peter won’t be harmed during his stay here.

Bruce Wayne: No killing Damian.

Damian: Father.

Damian: Do not test me.

Tiny Tim: It was at this moment that he knew he fucked up.

Jason Fucking Todd: Welcome to the ‘Let’s all piss Bruce off’ club, sponsored by me.

Bruce Wayne: Damian Wayne.

Bruce Wayne: You are grounded.

Damian: But Father!

ThefreakinSpider: Wait-wait-wait.

Damian: What is it _Parker_?

Hawkeye: Ooh. I can hear the spite in there.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Shut up, Katniss.

ThefreakinSpider: I’ve patched up your cow for you! Pls don’t come after me anymore!

***** 2 minutes later *****

Damian: You did an… adequate job on Batcow.

ThefreakinSpider: Sooo, we’re good now?

Damian: For now.

ThefreakinSpider: Ok??? That sounded more intimidating than it was supposed to be???

Damian: Be thankful that you are still alive.

Damian: I forgive you Parker, but no more explosive webbing.

ThefreakinSpider: Deal.

Jason Fucking Todd: That was too wholesome for a person like Damian. I thought there would have been exploding knives or something.

SpoilerAlert: Oooh what about that one time he threw a flaming jackhammer at the Joker because he hurt Tim.

Tiny Tim: I thought he hated me.

Damian: Just because I hate you doesn’t mean I want to see you die.

ThefreakinSpider: What is it with you all and fire?

Tiny Tim: Idk. It just happened.

Jason Fucking Todd: Yep.

Falconista: You’re all mental. 

Tiny Tim: Oh and you’re not?

_Falconista left the group._

Dickiebird: Stop making people leave, Tim.

Tiny Tim: It’s not my fault he’s so dramatic.

_Dickiebird added Falconista to the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: Didn’t you say something about “sticking together”.

BG: Hypocrite.

Tiny Tim: Actually, I was just defending family honor.

Dickiebird: I appreciate the concern, but we probably shouldn’t drive them insane.

Tiny Tim: Eh point taken.

Bruce Wayne: By the way, you’re still grounded Damian.

Damian: But Father-

Bruce Wayne: Too bad.

Bruce Wayne: And Mr. Parker. You aren’t allowed into the Batcave for the rest of your stay.

ThefreakinSpider: That’s not fair!!

Bruce Wayne: Then don’t mess around with explosives in my house.

ZeoneanonlyStark: What right do you have to ground  _ my kid _ ?

Bruce Wayne: He endangered himself and the life of the other residents in our home. He won’t be doing it again.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Still. He’s my responsibility!

Bruce Wayne: If he’s your responsibility, then why haven’t you punished him yet?

ZeoneanonlyStark: … 

Bruce Wayne: My point stands. I am only doing this for his safety. If we are in urgent need of help, he will be permitted down there.

Bruce Wayne: Mr. Parker. You aren’t to step even an inch inside the batcave unless circumstances suggest so. Otherwise I’ll have Alfred onto you. Understood?

ThefreakinSpider: Yes sir.

Jason Fucking Todd: Damn...

Bruce Wayne: Would you like to go next?

Jason Fucking Todd: No siree. Shutting up right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was chapter nine people. I know. I kinda did a crappy job, but I didn't really know what else to do. Adding the Avengers was a big mistake on my part. Please do comment. I would really like to know how I can improve this fic. Besides the mall idea (By the way, thanks so much for that one batgirl856!!), I was thinking of doing an Arkham breakout or maybe M'gann and Conner's wedding or something like that?? Anyways, let me know if you have any ideas and I will try to add it it in. Stay safe everybody!


	10. Bonus to Don't mess with Batcow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to give credit to Batmango for this one. Let's just say it's a tiny tid bit from the Avengers' side. Or more of Tony's I guess. Stay safe guys!

_December 18, 9:26am._

_ZeoneanonlyStark added Mama Spider, Capsicle, Hawkeye, and Falconista to the group._

_ZeoneanonlyStark renamed ‘Untitled’ to ‘We can’t let Wayne kidnap Peter’._

ZeoneanonlyStark: Listen up people. We aren’t letting Peter within six feet of that billionaire and his family.

Mama Spider: Aw. Is someone feeling a little green today?

ZeoneanonlyStark: Shut it Romanoff. I know what they are planning and it ain’t happening. Not on my watch.

Hawkeye:

Falconista:

ZeoneanonlyStark: You all have been spending too much time with Peter.

Falconista: What and you don't?

Hawkeye: Ya Stark. That kid's just too loveable.

_ZeoneanonlyStark added Dickiebird to the group._

Dickiebird: Hiya everybody!

_ZeoneanonlyStark added Tiny Tim to the group._

Tiny Tim: Yo.

Falconista: What the hell!?

ZeoneanonlyStark: How-wha

Tiny Tim: By the way, it wasn’t really that hard to hack your stuff. It took like what, two minutes?

Dickiebird: One minute for me.

Tiny Tim: Show off.

Dickiebird: Shut up. You’re the better detective.

Tiny Tim: True that.

ZeoneanonlyStark: ZeoneanonlyStark has left the conversation.

Dickiebird: I think we broke him.

Tiny Tim: Meh. He’ll live.

Dickiebird: I guess we’ll stop bothering you guys.

Tiny Tim: Bye bye people.

_Dickiebird left the group._

_Tiny Tim left the group._

Capsicle: They’re gone now. You can come back out.

ZeoneanonlyStark: aahjkehwumc

Falconista: Damn Tony. They got you good.

ZeoneanonlyStark: why

Mama Spider: Cool it Stark.

ZeoneanonlyStark: but why

ZeoneanonlyStark: They hacked my stuff. My _unhackable_ stuff.

Capsicle: We’ll be out of here soon. You won’t have to worry about them anymore.

ZeoneanonlyStark: That’s it.

_ZeoneanonlyStark added ThefreakinSpider to the group._

ThefreakinSpider: Mr.Stark?

ZeoneanonlyStark: Listen up kid.

ZeoneanonlyStark: You are to stay locked in your room till we leave. You aren’t allowed to interact with anybody but the avengers. If you are hungry at any time of the day, I personally will deliver food to you. You’re not allowed within 10 feet of that freak show. Understood?

ThefreakinSpider: What!? Why!?

ZeanonlyStark: I know their plan.

ThefreakinSpider: You do?

Mama Spider: The guy is spewing bullshit. Ignore him.

ZeoneanonlyStark: No I’m not!

Hawkeye: Jesus man. Chill. They aren’t going to steal young spidey here.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Oh no. They have you under their mind control as well.

ThefreakinSpider: Wtf??

ThefreakinSpider: Mr.Stark that’s ridiculous.

ZeoneanonlyStark: No it’s not!

ZeoneanonlyStark: You’re going to stay with them forever!

ThefreakinSpider: You’re officially crazy.

ThefreakinSpider: I mean sure they’re pretty awesome. And I might pay a visit from time to time. But I won’t leave you. I mean, who would I hang out with every weekend or so?

ZeoneanonlyStark: So you won’t leave?

ThefreakinSpider: I just said that, didn’t I?

_ZeoneanonlyStark added Dickiebird to the group._

_ZeoneanonlyStark added Tiny Tim to the group._

Dickiebird: That’s the spirit, kid.

Tiny Tim: Yeah. You go Peter.

ZeoneanonlyStark: GET OUT.

Dickiebird: Of course.

Tiny Tim: Jackass.

_Dickiebird left the group._

_Tiny Tim left the group._

Capsicle: Well that was… interesting.

ThefreakinSpider: I’m definitely going to miss them though.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Ugh. I’ll let you visit whenever you want to.

ThefreakinSpider: Yes!

ZeoneanonlyStark: But you’re grounded from Spiderman for a week when we get back.

ThefreakinSpider: Aw man.


	11. The one chapter where Tim goes and roasts everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya guys! It's been over a month since I've posted... hehe. To those all y'all waiting, thanks for waiting! This chapter is a bit crappy but I really wanted to update instead of dragging it out for even longer. Stay safe, comment, and enjoy!

_December 19, 10:04 pm._

Jason Fucking Todd: Kid Why the hell are you screeching like a fucking moron from the stairs in the batcave.

ThefreakinSpider: I was looking for Mr. Stark.

Jason Fucking Todd: Ah. Ok. He’s down by the labs.

ThefreakinSpider: I’m not allowed inside the batcave tho :(

Bruce Wayne: It’s fine Peter. I trust you won’t make the same mistake again. Jason, keep an eye on him at all times.

Jason Fucking Todd: Sir yes sir.

ThefreakinSpider: Ugh. Mr. Stark’s ignoring me again.

Jason Fucking Todd: Nah. More of looks like he has that tired dad expression on his face.

ThefreakinSpider: Ooh. I think I have an idea.

Jason Fucking Todd: Uh kid?

Jason Fucking Todd: Guess I’m all alone now.

Bruce Wayne: You had one job.

Jason Fucking Todd: I’m sorry. Would you like to try babysitting a hyperactive teenager who can climb walls?

Jason Fucking Todd: Didn’t think so.

Tiny Tim: What was that all about?

Jason Fucking Todd: Well hello Tim Tam Timmy. I thought you were swim swam swimmy with Steph?

Jason Fucking Todd: Well, more of fucking I guess.

Tiny Tim: Go screw yourself.

Jason Fucking Todd: Geez.

Jason Fucking Todd: Help me find out what Peter’s gonna do.

Tiny Tim: Ya. Sure.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Kid. You are 100% grounded.

ThefreakinSpider: Well that got your attention.

Jason Fucking Todd: Huh?

ThefreakinSpider: I basically replayed my death scene.

Tiny Tim: Kid, that’s harsh.

Jason Fucking Todd: Death buddies.

Rudolph: Hiya guys!

Jason Fucking Todd: Oh yeah. You died as well.

Rudolph: That’s certainly a stellar way to start a conversation.

Rudolph: ‘Oh yeah. You died as well.’

Jason Fucking Todd: You’ve been hanging around Dick way too much.

Tiny Tim: To be real here, most of us have died at some point.

Rudolph: Actually, I was pulled into the Speed Force.

Tiny Tim: P-o-tato. Pot-a-to. Same shit.

Rudolph: Meh. I guess.

Tiny Tim: Jason was blown up.

Tiny Tim: Damian got stabbed by his clone.

Tiny Tim: Dick drowned one time.

Tiny Tim: I drowned one time.

Tiny Tim: Stephanie was murdered. Well, technically died from the amount of injuries she had.

Rudolph: Way to lighten the mood Red.

ZeoneanonlyStark: You keep giving me grey hairs Kid.

Tiny Tim: You should chat with Bruce sometime. You guys could reflect.

ZeoneanonlyStark: The guy sucks the fun out of everything. No way.

Bruce Wayne: And this guy could very easily kick you out of the manor whenever he chooses to.

Jason Fucking Todd: Welcome back to ‘Reasons to not hate Bruce: Presented by Jason Todd’.

ThefreakinSpider: Ha.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Thanks for the support.

ThefreakinSpider: Anytime, Mr.Stark.

SpoilerAlert: Fight, fight, fight, fight…

Tiny Tim: Jesus, Steph. What is it with you and fights these days?

SpoilerAlert: :)

Dickiebird: You should join me and Wally sometime.

ThefreakinSpider: Huh?

Jason Fucking Todd: Uh oh.

Rudolph: It used to be just me and Dick.

Dickiebird: How lonely we were, without a third.

Jason Fucking Todd: What about Roy?

Dickiebird: Roy fucking abandoned us before. Hell no.

BitchAssHarper: Shut up Grayson. I’m a fucking clone.

ThefreakinSpider: I'm confused.

Tiny Tim: Dick’s an idiot. Ignore everything that comes out of his mouth.

Dickiebird: Shut up Tim.

Dickiebird: Anyways, before I was so rudely interrupted-

Tiny Tim: That wasn't me.

_Dickiebird kicked Tiny Tim out of the group._

Dickiebird: Now as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted again. We needed someone.

SpoilerAlert: Add him back! He’s spamming me!

Dickiebird: What? No!

Jason Fucking Todd: He’s fucking spamming me too! Add him back right now!

Dickiebird: Ugh. Fine.

_Dickiebird added Tiny Tim to the group._

Dickiebird: Now do us a favor, and shut up.

Tiny Tim: You are such a Mary Sue.

_Dickiebird left the groupchat._

SpoilerAlert: Why is it always you who causes Dick to leave?

Tiny Tim: It's part of my charm.

SpoilerAlert: Wait a sec. Dick’s admin. How does he just leave without deleting the entire group?

Tiny Tim: Stephanie. He’s a hacker.

SpoilerAlert: Oh right. Whoops. Forgot about that.

ThefreakinSpider: Dang. I didn't get to hear what he had to say.

Jason Fucking Todd: Can you quit making Dick leave the group?

Tiny Tim: It's not my fault he's soft.

_Jason Fucking Todd kicked Tiny Tim out of the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: And stay out.

ThefreakinSpider: You realize he can't read that, right?

ThefreakinSpider: And that he could probably hack into it as well.

Jason Fucking Todd: There’s no way he will get into Dick’s systems that quickly. It’ll probably take him hours.

SpoilerAlert: Just add him back.

Jason Fucking Todd: What can’t handle a little spamming?

SpoilerAlert: I’d like to see you opening your phone after a quick bathroom to find about 1,031 new messages from ‘Tiny Tim’.

Jason Fucking Todd: Ugh.

_Jason Fucking Todd added Tiny Tim to the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: Behave.

Tiny Tim: Sure boss.

_Tiny Tim added Dickiebird to the group._

Dickiebird: No.

_Dickiebird left the group._

Tiny Tim: Oh brother.

_Tiny Tim added Dickiebird to the group._

_Dickiebird left the group._

_Tiny Tim added Dickiebird to the group._

_Dickiebird left the group._

_Tiny Tim added Dickiebird to the group._

_Dickiebird left the group._

_Tiny Tim added Dickiebird to the group._

Dickiebird: Let me leave.

Tiny Tim: Fine. Run like the coward you are, asshole. 

_Dickiebird left the group._

SpoilerAlert: Tim!

Jason Fucking Todd: Tim.

Jason Fucking Todd: What the hell is wrong with you?

Tiny Tim: Looky here. I’ve had it with the elves that he got Zatanna to charm. They won’t let me near my coffee!

Jason Fucking Todd: They’re just elves.

Tiny Tim: He dyed my hair green the other day!

Jason Fucking Todd: It’s nearly Christmas time! You know how emotionally constipated he gets!

Tiny Tim: You were only in for the blackmail.

Jason Fucking Todd: You looked like a Christmas tree. Why wouldn’t I keep that as blackmail?

Tiny Tim: Idk. You’re probably one of the dumbest people I’ve ever met.

Jason Fucking Todd: I don’t need to be a nerd to be intelligent. I’m probably the most intelligent out of all of you fools.

Tiny Tim: Your intelligence level is like 0% at this point.

Jason Fucking Todd: I'm blown away by your math.

Tiny Tim: Of course you are. You never learned any in the first place.

_Jason Fucking Todd left the group._

SpoilerAlert: Stop making people leave.

ThefreakinSpider: Ya. Now it's only the three of us.

Hawkeye: Learn to count, Webhead. There are like 5 other people online.

Bruce Wayne: Tim. Please stop making people leave.

Tiny Tim: When did you ever like this group chat?

_Bruce Wayne left the group._

ZeoneanonlyStark: Omfg.

ThefreakinSpider: Tim Drake ~ “Don’t fuck with me. I have the power of god and anime on my side!”

ZeoneanonlyStark: Stop quoting vines.

Hawkeye: He's out to get us all.

Tiny Tim: You bet I am.

Rudolph: Stop acting like an asshole.

Damian: And leave it to Drake to make West cuss.

SpoilerAlert: The world’s ending.

Tiny Tim: I’m special that way.

Rudolph: Sure you are, jackass.

Tiny Tim: I was going to say something. And then I decided to be the bigger person.

Rudolph: Define “bigger”.

Tiny Tim: You must be even stupider than I thought if you don’t understand the meaning of bigger.

_Rudolph left the group._

Hawkeye: Now this is just getting ridiculous.

ThefreakinSpider: Repeat after me, Riddikulus.

Tiny Tim: I'm just gonna pretend you didn't just use that lame quote.

ThefreakinSpider: I'm gonna pretend you didn't just insult one of the greatest Harry Potter quotes of all time.

Tiny Tim: Keep pretending. See where that gets you.

_ThefreakinSpider left the group._

_BG kicked Tiny Tim from the group._

Hawkeye: Damn… 

BG: Problem solved.

_BG added ThefreakinSpider, Rudolph, Bruce Wayne, Jason Fucking Todd, Tiny Tim and Dickiebird to the group._

BG: And that's what y'all get for taking away Tim's daily supply of coffee.

_Dickiebird left the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: I think we broke him.

BG: Nah. He'll be fine.

ThefreakinSpider: Uh huh. And that explains the giant fist-sized hole in the wall.

BG: -_- 

BG: Just add him back.

_Jason Fucking Todd added Dickiebird to the group._

Dickiebird: Why doesn't anybody love me?

Dickiebird: What did I ever do to this world to deserve this?

Dickiebird: Why can't you all just leave me alone?

Jason Fucking Todd: Jesus Dick. Stop being such a drama queen. Tim was just joking.

Tiny Tim: Was I?

_Dickiebird left the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: Shut up, Tim.

_Jason Fucking Todd added Dickiebird to the group._

Tiny Tim: I was joking around, jeez.

Tiny Tim: Have a little fun in life.

ThefreakinSpider: That wasn't fun. At all.

Dickiebird: Whatever. I'm going to bed.

Dickiebird: Gn, losers.

Jason Fucking Todd: This is your fault Tim, your fault.

Cass: You actually cracked him this time. He never skips patrol. And he never calls any of us, especially me, a loser.

Tiny Tim: Whoops.

SpoilerAlert: Yeah whoops.

Tiny Tim: I guess I feel real bad now.

Jason Fucking Todd: You guess???

Jason Fucking Todd: Do you not understand what you have done???

Jason Fucking Todd: You have broken the unbreakable!

Tiny Tim: I think I know how to fix this though.

Jason Fucking Todd: You do?

Tiny Tim: Yeah. Just wait until the Secret Santa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up next:-
> 
> \- Avengers leave  
> \- Dick, Jason, Tim, Damian, and Steph go to the mall for Christmas shopping (shout out to batgirl856 for that one!!)  
> \- Santa Hunting (Damian basically thinking that Santa's some serial killer that charms kids; probably connected to the mall chapter)  
> \- Secret Santa  
> I was thinking about adding something about M'gann and Conner's wedding or something like that?? Idk. I don't really know what I'll be doing after the Secret Santa. The Secret Santa is probably going to be the last part of this fic though I might add bonuses every now and then.


	12. Singing? More like sinning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another quick chapter. I still kinda feel bad for not posting...

_December 20, 11:34 am._

Damian: We must do our best to return the Avengers to their dimension as soon as possible.

Jason Fucking Todd: Ok?

Damian: Wilson’s screeching in the shower is almost unbearable.

ZeoneanonlyStark: Well said kid.

Falconista: Oh please. My singing is amazing.

Damian: Singing? More like sinning.

Hawkeye: OMG, this kid is amazing. You are my new role model.

Falconista: Shut up, Legolas.

Jason Fucking Todd: That’s it kid. I take back everything I said about you. I now have a newfound respect for you.

Damian: When have you ever respected anyone, Todd?

Jason Fucking Todd: … 

Jason Fucking Todd: I hate you.

Hawkeye: You hate everyone.

Cass: Am I the only one who noticed that we now have three Wilsons dragged into our lives?

Cass: How many more is it gonna be?

Tiny Tim: Cass has a point.

Tiny Tim: First Slade.

Dickiebird: Don't you dare mention his name around here.

Tiny Tim: Whoops.

Tiny Tim: Then Wade came strutting into our life.

Tiny Tim: Now we're stuck with the sad excuse of what's supposed to be the "Mighty Majestic Bird".

Falconista: Says the wimp who calls himself Red Robin.

Tiny Tim: This "wimp who calls himself Red Robin" can easily kick your ass any day.

Falconista: … 

Tiny Tim: Who’s the wimp now?

_Falconista left the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: You should really quit making people leave.

Tiny Tim: Where’s the fun in that?

Dickiebird: Don’t you realize how many hearts you’ve broken? How many lives you’ve damaged? How many souls you have tainted?

Tiny Tim: What? So now you’re Shakespeare?

_Dickiebird kicked Tiny Tim out of the group._

_Dickiebird added Falconista to the group._

Dickiebird: There. Balance restored.

Jason Fucking Todd: Dick add him back.

Jason Fucking Todd: Right now.

Jason Fucking Todd: He’s spamming my phone.

Jason Fucking Todd: Pls.

Dickiebird: Ugh, fine.

_Dickiebird added Tiny Tim to the group._

Tiny Tim: Suckers.

_Dickiebird kicked Tiny Tim out of the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: Dude? He’s spamming me again.

Dickiebird: It’s waaay too early for this.

Dickiebird: Just block him or something.


	13. Best Robin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this is the last chapter for today. This was actually one of my first drafts that I had hidden down there. I was digging through looking for ideas and this one actually seems good. The Avengers will be leaving for sure next chapter.

_December 21, 3:16 am_

ThefreakinSpider: Guys. I’ve been meaning to ask something.

Cass: Let me fetch Tim.

_Cass added Tiny Tim to the group._

Damian: What is it Parker?

Jason Fucking Todd: Tf are you texting us at 3 in the fricken morning?

Tiny Tim: You have 30 seconds to explain. Then I leave.

ThefreakinSpider: Who’s the best Robin?

Dickiebird: Oh god. Not again.

Jason Fucking Todd: It’s obvious.

Jason Fucking Todd: Me.

Damian: In your dreams Todd.

Dickeibird: You just had to bring up this discussion didn’t you?

ThefreakinSpider: Whoops.

Tiny Tim: Oh please. We all know it’s me.

Damian: Not even close Drake.

Damian: I’m the best Robin. Then Grayson. Then Brown. Then you. Then Todd.

Jason Fucking Todd: Stephanie shouldn’t count.

Damian: Correction: Me, Grayson, Drake, then Todd.

SpoilerAlert: What??? I should totally count. I was an amazing Robin.

Tiny Tim: Sorry girlfriend, but he has a point.

Jason Fucking Todd: Why am I fucking last?

Alfred: Master Jason…

Jason Fucking Todd: Fine. I’ll rephrase it. What made you place Tim before me.

Tiny Tim: Hey!

Damian: Drake at least has some self-decency. You have none at all.

Jason Fucking Todd: Glad I could exceed your expectations.

Dickiebird: You all are flattering yourselves. I’m obviously the best Robin. I’m the better acrobat, the better hacker, the better mathematician. Plus I’m the best looking out of all of you.

Tiny Tim: Egotistical much?

BG: He has a point though.

Jason Fucking Todd: Who are you kidding Barbie? You only support him because he’s your little fuck boy.

BG: Not true!

BG: He’s the original!

Dickiebird: That too.

SpoilerAlert: … What about me?

Jason Fucking Todd: Move aside peasant. You’re not one of the true Robins.

SpoilerAlert: RUde.

SpoilerAlert: To be fair though, I was a pretty awesome Batgirl.

BG: Honey, no.

Cass: What world do you live in? I obviously was the best one.

Rudolph: Peter. What have you done???

ThefreakinSpider: Hehe.

BG: Oh please. I was the original, so I was the best.

Jason Fucking Todd: Honestly, the title for the best is really between Cass and Babs.

Cass: Don’t you have your own battles to fight right now?

Jason Fucking Todd: Righto.

Jason Fucking Todd: I still think I’m the best Robin.

Tiny Tim: You have too many anger issues. No way.

Damian: I never thought I would say this, but Drake has a point.

Tiny Tim: Glad we agree on one thing.

Bruce Wayne: Enough.

Dickiebird: But Bruuuuce.

Bruce Wayne: Yes Richard?

Dickiebird: Nothing.

Jason Fucking Todd: You can’t boss me around old man.

Bruce Wayne: Oh really?

Tiny Tim: Uh Jason. Maybe it’s not the best idea to talk back.

Jason Fucking Todd: But-

Tiny Tim: Please don’t.

SpoilerAlert: Maybe we could just, you know, make up with each other. Be friends and that stuff.

Cass: I for once actually like the sound of that.

Tiny Tim: STop makInG ThiS wHOlesoMe.

Jason Fucking Todd: ^

ThefreakinSpider: ?

ThefreakinSpider: That’s it?

ThefreakinSpider: Like no more arguments?

BG: Yep.

Jason Fucking Todd: I could easily just create one right now.

Bruce Wayne: Jason no.

Tiny Tim: Jason yes.

Bruce Wayne: Timothy.

Jason Fucking Todd: You guys are making this way too boring and cheesy.

SpoilerAlert: What you got a problem with that?

Jason Fucking Todd: Ugh. Girls suck the fun out of everything.

Tiny Tim: Tell that to Donna.

Jason Fucking Todd: Wait. What? No. Tim. Wait, don't.

_Tiny Tim added TheBestWondergirl to the group._

Jason Fucking Todd: TIM.

TheBestWondergirl: What did the idiot do this time?

Tiny Tim: Check above.

Dickiebird: I could practically hear Donna’s sigh from here.

Jason Fucking Todd: Donna! The love of my life! The light to my darkness! The heart to my soul! The-

TheBestWondergirl: Get to the point Jason.

Jason Fucking Todd: Hehe. Pls don’t kill me.

TheBestWondergirl: We’ll see.

Falconista: You have a girlfriend?

Jason Fucking Todd: Uh yeah. Not everybody’s a loser like you.

_Falconista left the group._

TheBestWondergirl: Jason!

Jason Fucking Todd: What?

TheBestWondergirl: Just give us a moment please.

Jason Fucking Todd: Uh-oh.

Tiny Tim: It was nice knowing you.

BG: ^

Damian: Could I keep your knives?

Damian: Scratch that. I want your room Todd.

Damian: I’ll take your laptop as well.

Dickiebird: RIP Jason.

Tiny Tim: #youonlylivetwice

TheBestWondergirl: Are we clear mister?

Jason Fucking Todd: Yes ma’am!

TheBestWondergirl: Good.

Jason Fucking Todd: Imma still alive guys!

TheBestWondergirl: Don’t make me change my mind.

Jason Fucking Todd: Yes ma’am!

Bruce Wayne: Stop making Falcon leave.

Dickiebird: A little too late for that Bruce.

Tiny Tim: Don’t listen to him Jason. Keep making him leave.

_Bruce Wayne kicked Tiny Tim and Jason Fucking Todd from the group._

Dickiebird: Who died and made you king?

SpoilerAlert: Oh dear.

Bruce Wayne: Do I need to remove you as well?

Dickiebird: You can’t do that. I have admin privileges.

Bruce Wayne: You forget that I was the one who taught you to hack.

Bruce Wayne: Don’t test me.

Dickiebird: You suck the fun out of everything.

_Bruce Wayne kicked Dickiebird from the group._

_Dickiebird joined the group._

Dickiebird: Sucker.

Dickiebird: You can’t get rid of me that easy.

_Bruce Wayne kicked Dickiebird from the group._

_Dickiebird joined the group._

Dickiebird: You can’t outhack the hacker!

Bruce Wayne: Watch me.

_Dickiebird transferred all admin privileges to Bruce Wayne._

_Bruce Wayne kicked Dickiebird from the group._

_Dickiebird joined the groupchat._

_Bruce Wayne transferred all admin privileges to Dickiebird._

Bruce Wayne: This could go on all day.

Dickiebird: I ain’t giving up right now.

_Dickiebird transferred all admin privileges to Bruce Wayne._

_Bruce Wayne kicked Dickiebird from the group._

_Dickiebird joined the groupchat._

_Bruce Wayne transferred all admin privileges to Dickiebird._

Dickiebird: Ok! You’ve proven your point!

Dickiebird: You win.

Bruce Wayne: I always win.

Dickiebird: But I’m adding the others back.

Bruce Wayne: Do you really want to though?

Dickiebird: No.

Dickiebird: But I have to.

Dickiebird: It is the only way.

_Dickiebird added Tiny Tim, Falconista, and Jason Fucking Todd to the group._

Tiny Tim: And the TimTamTimmy man is back!

Jason Fucking Todd: Nobody cares. Fuck off. 

SpoilerAlert: And the penny drops…

TheBestWondergirl: Another word, and you’re sleeping in the attic.

Jason Fucking Todd: You wouldn’t.

TheBestWondergirl: Watch me.

Dickiebird: Oh dear.

Tiny Tim: Shit’s about to go down.

TheBestWondergirl: Do I need to come to the manor?

Tiny Tim: Uh oh.

Dickiebird: We’re fine. Hehe.

TheBestWondergirl: Then the two of you had better zip it.

Dickiebird: Gottcha.

Tiny Tim: Yes ma'am.


End file.
